Um, about that 3 pets thing…

by | Monday | September 28, 2009 | 25 comments

My husband asked me the other day if the kids knew Callie was gone. To be honest, I haven’t brought it up. If this had been our first lost pet this year things might have been different, but after three confirmed deaths in a 7 month period, I think they need a bit of a break.

Yesterday, someone asked my daughter how many pets we had. “Two cats, and one dog,” she said. My husband and I looked at each other. “The black cat is Apollo, and the gray one with black stripes is Callie, and our dog is Brody.”

“Are you going to tell her?” he whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

“No,” I hissed back. “You can do it.”

I get the need to be upfront with little kids, and to be honest and to the point, but I still think that is a little more reality than a 5 year old needs. I think I am going to wait until she notices on her own that she hasn’t actually seen the cat in weeks, and we can talk about it then. Until that time I’d really rather not interrupt her brief moment of normalcy to bring more death and uncertainty to her life.

I have no idea whether or not this is the right thing to do, but sometimes you just have to go with your gut instincts. That being said, I am open to your thoughts on the subject.

Filed: Daily Life, Musings
  • rachel

    While I kind of think that is the right thing to do (like you said, you don’t want to make her more upset with death/uncertainty) I think that when the time comes to talk about it, she might be angry that you didn’t bother to tell her that Callie went missing. It is a tough call either way, but since you haven’t mentioned it to her yet and she hasn’t noticed, I guess the best thing to do is to wait it out…she’ll understand why you did it later in life if she is that angry about it (but her reaction to the artwork as poop bag incident was pretty understanding, so she’ll probably forgive you for this as well).

    • http://www.pawcurious.com Dr. V

      She’s definitely a forgiving kid. Thank you for your thoughts on it.

  • rich

    i think kids know already when something like the loss of a animal or other major life disasters and if they cant or will be able to handle it right then they just dont! and when they are ready they will ask about te pet i think its a coping skill we adults should use sometimes when we are over our heads in lifestermoils

    • http://www.pawcurious.com Dr. V

      It’s weird, because she is a very perceptive kid, so it’s strange that she hasn’t noticed.

  • Kim

    I’m for honesty. It is difficult, it is hard, but at that age she will find out and it may not be from you guys (particularly if you told friends or neighbors who may not know not to tell). I get why you don’t want to but I think sooner from you rather than later from someone else (or if she figures it out).

    • http://www.pawcurious.com Dr. V

      No one else knows. I know I have to bring it up eventually, but MAN oh man, it sucks so hard to have to do that to her. My son will say, “Oh, that’s sad,” and get on with his trucks, though.

  • Shannon

    I’ve been on the other end of the ‘wait and see’ approach, and it kind of sucked. However, the circumstances were different – great-grandma died and Dad didn’t bother to tell me until 2 weeks later. She had been in a nursing home 14 hours away, dementia, and I hadn’t seen her for three years. I was 17, and totally capable of handling it. For a 5 year old, I think you’re doing the right thing. Eventually, you’re going to have to do it, but right now might be too much.

    By the by, I’ve put ‘Kevin’ on notice. (Does anybody watch the Colbert Report?)

    • http://www.pawcurious.com Dr. V

      I love the Colbert Report. :D

  • http://www.gooddztraining.com Nancy Freedman-Smith

    I have been to more pet funerals than any one I know. I always tell the kids, but what I tell them some times has been a white lie version of the truth. My version of your cat story maybe would go something like this…
    A neighbor called, and they found Callie . She had eaten too much tuna in their garage, and died happy.

    • http://www.pawcurious.com Dr. V

      I like that idea a lot. :)

  • Amanda

    I think you should tell them. She said she has pets because in her mind she does (or did). It is best to be honest, and she how she feels. Maybe going a rescuing a new pet would help her feel better. Kids are perceptive and they need to be told the truth.

  • http://www.shaneandcasey.com Shane

    Would it be evil to just say that Callie wandered off and likely joined another family’s home who needed her more? I mean it is possible, though highly unlikely. That way she is “gone” but the death aspect doesn’t have to be brought into it.

    • http://www.pawcurious.com Dr. V

      I guess that is part of it too- if I KNEW , it would be easier. But I don’t, and part of me wants to be able to keep hoping too.

  • http://www.kimchicrafts.com kimchi

    you know, this is really strange timing– i just found out that my parents dog passed away…a month ago! my mom couldn’t bear to tell any of us (my sister and me) but our oldest sister got to say goodbye to him. she was the one who called my other sister and then me. what’s strange is that i talked to my mom a couple weeks ago and she made it sound like the dog was still alive but not doing well– almost as if she was preparing me (or her?) for the death that already occurred. I appreciate her need to protect me (or herself). I mean, I can see both sides of this situation– so don’t beat yourself up too much. Whatever you do, the intentions are good and I think your daughter will understand that. Hang in there!

    • http://www.pawcurious.com Dr. V

      Thank you for that. I appreciate it.

  • http://annora.wordpress.com/ Tassia

    I think she can handle it, she seems like a really quick-witted kid. I’m not entirely ready to give up on Callie though, someone might have taken her home and just decided to keep her. There are people that do that.

    • http://www.pawcurious.com Dr. V

      That’s what I keep hoping. I still check the shelters and craigslist.

  • Megumi

    Well, I’m probably crazy but I kind of think she has picked up on it – she is incredibly perceptive. Part of me wonders if she was in part protecting you in front of the other person, so you wouldn’t have to talk about the losses you have endured this year. Either way, I think you can do it on your own time.

    • http://www.pawcurious.com Dr. V

      Thanks Meg. That means a lot.

  • nbeHis

    I am absolutely not qualified to answer this since I’m 53 and have no children (just a cat and a husband) but since you asked and nearly everyone loves to give their opinion… It seems to me you’re a good mom and I think you should trust your intuition.
    I know its insane to hope but, crazy things can happen. You know, like those stories where the beloved cat hitches a ride in the baggage portion of a 757, lands in another country and the owner receives a call from France saying, “We found your cat! How do you want us to ship him home?”
    Whatever you decide to do will work out fine…

    • http://www.pawcurious.com Dr. V

      Thank you. I welcome any opinions, kids or no. :)

  • Heather

    I’d wait to see if Callie still comes back (ever optimistic!). When and if your kids ask you directly, I’d tell them the truth – she got out a while ago and you’re still hoping she comes back. If you say a neighbour found her or that she went to live with someone else, they might start asking around and looking for her. You’re the best judge of how your kids will react – go with your instincts. It’s never easy, is it?

    • http://www.pawcurious.com Dr. V

      That seems to be the most obvious solution, right? No lying, no making stuff up, just “she is missing and we hope and pray she comes home soon.” I probably should just do that.

  • http://casacaudill.typepad.com casacaudill

    She’s on vacation. :-)

  • http://casacaudill.typepad.com casacaudill

    But seriously, I like Heather’s advice that she’s wandered away and you’re hoping she finds her way back, but if not she’s probably gone to live with someone else (maybe she doesn’t like Brody?). As an aside, one of Alan’s cats moved down the street. She wandered away and they thought she’d died and then they saw her in the front yard of her new home months later.