The Parent Trap

by | Friday | March 25, 2011 | 35 comments

The message board title plaintively screamed to be clicked: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend and I don’t know what to do!”  It was in the “pets” section, which I found rather perplexing. After clicking on the link, she went on to explain that although she could care less about the demise of her relationship, she was having major misgivings about losing the companionship of her ex’s labrador, Moe.

It comes up more often than one might think. There was a divorce case here in San Diego that lives on in legend and lore after the well to do couple spent tens of thousands of dollars fighting over custody of the pointer they adopted from the shelter two years prior to their divorce. Only after enlisting the services of a veterinary behaviorist to assess the dog’s quality of life with the two owners was the judge able to come to a conclusion as to who would provide the better home.

While the vision of two people (well, two lawyers) duking it out over a dog seems more Disney matinee than real life, losing a pet along with a relationship can be a real cause of distress for people. Supposedly, some rescues won’t even adopt a pet to a couple without a separation custody agreement in place. Can we call that a pre-pup? Please?

I admit I haven’t given the idea a whole lot of thought, personally. It’s blazingly apparent who would inherit the whole hairy shebang in my case, were my marriage to implode. Though it does beg the question of whether I would qualify for petimony. I hope so. Kongs are expensive.

I have seen this be an issue in cases where two roommates who are not romantically involved adopt a pet together, then decide to move on. In those cases, determining ownership often comes down to the typical paper trail that defines “ownership”:

  • The person who obtained the pet, as shown on adoption/purchase records
  • The person who licensed the dog
  • The person who registered the microchip
  • The person who paid the vet bills

When I was in vet school, my freshman year roommate and I adopted two cats. Within a month it was apparent they loved her and could care less about me. They tolerated me, but they slept on her face. Needless to say, she took them with her when we moved on and we were all fine with that.

It’s not an issue I find myself too concerned about. I’m actually just happy that people care enough to fight over who gets to live with their pet. My vet school classmate Candy was bound and determined to see her spay surgery class dog (who came from the local shelter) in a good home. After vetting multiple potential families, she placed this dog in the care of a energetic young couple who promised the dog a life of hiking and love.

Four months later, Candy got a call from the shelter wondering if she wanted her dog back. (Before adopting the dog out, she had microchipped the dog in her name.) Apparently this couple broke up, couldn’t handle that the dog was a reminder of the failed relationship, and dumped her at the shelter without even having the class to let Candy know they weren’t keeping her. She was adopted again, this time to her forever home.

With that in the back of my mind, I can’t get too upset over custody battles. It’s better than the alternative.

What say you? If you have a significant other, do you think custody would ever be a issue if you broke up?

Image source: QuizLaw.com
Filed: Blog, Daily Life
  • http://www.kusine.com Jessica

    Heh. In our relationship, getting the animals is the threat, as in, “whoever initiates the divorce gets stuck being a single parent to the dogs, parrot, and chickens”. It’s kept us together so far! ;-)

  • http://theotherwinniecooper.blogspot.com/ Alison @The Other Winnie Cooper

    I had a break up where my ex and I shared custody of our Sheltie. I had primary custody and he would come and take her out on car rides and walks. His grandmother was particularly in love with Daisy and he often took Daisy to visit her on weekends. When Daisy got sick, he shared the Vet bills. No questions asked. And when the ultimate decision had to be made, we did it together.

  • Lisa W

    No question — they go where their Mommy goes. And hubby’s well aware of it! I do 90% of the care and feeding, while he just sits there and soaks up the love. ;-)

  • wikith

    Nick has tried to say he would like the pup in the event of divorce. I laugh and tell him good luck, since I paid the money to the breeder, registered the dog with the AKC, licensed the dog, the vet record is in my name, and I’m a vet. Good luck convincing the judge you deserve him, sweetheart! One more reason he can’t get rid of me – he’d lose the dog!

    I don’t care if he’s the one who did the housebreaking. :)

    • wikith

      I offered to let him keep the devil banshee orphan-cat, but he claims that is just additional punishment.

  • Tabitha W

    It would be split for us as one cat love Sean to no end and could care less about me unless I am feeding her. The other two cats, Magoo and George, are my babies. Oddly enough this is something that we have talked about quite a bit. Seeing as we are not married rules are a bit different. Mini would go to Sean and she is his baby and I would not deny him her. But my boys would stay with me. The only positive would be that I could then get a kitten. I have never had a kitten before since all our cats came to us as adults.

  • Rose D.

    It would be me. But he’d get visitation rights. :-)

  • Tonya

    For better or worse, my furkids are sticking with me. Depending on the circumstances, I could see some visitation opportunities, but I’m definitely the custodial parent.

  • Kim

    It would be a battle I think. They depend on both of us for very different reasons and it is a partnership. Good thing we’re going strong!

  • http://peggyfrezon.blogspot.com Peggy @Peggy’s Pet Place

    I can’t imagine how pet parents resolve this when, hopefully, both love their pet so much. I sure hope they take the pet’s best interest to heart.

  • http://theunfocusedlife.blogspot.com/ Lee Ann L.

    I don’t think separation or divorce will happen to us. We have our problems; but, we’re committed to one another and the marriage. It takes work and in many cases, people don’t want to work hard in their relationship. With that sad, IF it should ever come to pass for us, I’d get the cats and he’d get the dog(s) UNLESS a dog got trained to help me (I’m deaf). Right now, we have cats only; but, we’re planning to get a dog once we get a home of our own. :-)

  • http://finnspawprint.blogspot.com/ Susan Montgomery

    Since about the 2nd week of our having Finn, he has made it very plain that he belongs to me. There wouldn’t even be an argument. Horses would go to who they belong to, as we each have one.

  • http://oddsandendless.blogspot.com/ Sue Weir

    He’d get both dogs. I love them, but I’d never be able to care for them (health-issues). I made this clear when he adopted them. They are his, his to feed, his to walk, his to care for in every way. Total win for me since I still get to enjoy their love and companionship.

  • http://artbakelove.blogspot.com/ Allison

    We have two dogs and two cats. One of our dogs is sort of like my little sidekick. But the other, he’s always had more patience with. As far as the cats? One cat is a bit more needy, and I’m OK with that so I’d probably take her (Plus she loves my little sidekick pup) and our other cat is far more independent, and I know my partner has always had a soft spot for her.

    But man, that would be hard. As much as I get sad our dogs aren’t super bonded to each other, it would make it easier separating them. But I think not having both around would rank up there in one of the hardest parts of the breakup.

  • http://www.vetwisdomcafe.com Tammy

    It’s a sad situation when this happens. As it stands right now, we still have his and hers cats. We each brought cats to the relationship, so we would each take our respective cats away if we broke up (not likely at this point!) But in the future, I know that will get more difficult as we add “ours” pets to the mix!

    We had a guy come into the office a couple of years ago. He was wanting to know if we could make him a duplicate ClayPaws print of his dog. (He thought we had made it – we explained it was his veterinarian – we just sell the kits). It was so sad though. His wife took the dog in their divorce. And when the dog died, she didn’t let him know until well after the fact. He was so sad.

  • Jess

    My roommate and I are not romantically involved, but we adopted a cat together. We have so far split pretty much everything. The cat is technically in my name, because I was the only one old enough to adopt the cat at the time, and I paid the $100 donation to the rescue foundation, but she buys the food and litter and pays the vet bills. Still, that isn’t even the root of it. I will probably get the cat when we part ways next year mainly because I will have my own place with no other pets. She is moving to a home with a dog and a very territorial cat. It’s all logistics.

  • http://istillwantmorepuppies.blogspot.com Pup Fan

    I always joke that we could never break up because then Bella would come from a broken home.

    Also, a “pre-pup”? Genius.

  • Julie

    No question about this for me – I had my dog for 5 years before I even started dating my husband. And I do 100% of the care, feeding, vet, cleanup, walking, etc. so he’s with me. I have a friend that was recently divorced and while I think he is mostly OK with that, he complains all the time of missing the dogs – 2 French Bulldogs went with his ex. Poor guy.

  • DW

    My rescue dog is the product of a divorce– the couple separated and neither person wanted the dog.

    I like to think everything happens for a reason, can’t imagine my life without a sidekick, but how could they just give her up? Sigh.

  • http://evolutionofdarwin.blogspot.com brooke & Darwin

    Jason and I agreed to a “prepuptual” when we got Darwin. We didn’t sign anything or make it too formal, but there were witnesses! (Id get her if we split up.)

  • http://www.thespottedtongue.com Michelle

    This would be a very difficult situation if we ever broke up (and god knows that better not happen!). Dahlia is very much BOTH our dog and when one of us is not around (e.g. he goes away for work for the weekend) she seems a little out of sorts. The other issue is that he works from home more and is able to spend more time with her, while I work full time and also teach part time. But on the flip side, I’m the one with the interest in agility and training who gives her that aspect of her life. I think that her quality of life would be diminished if she didn’t have us both.

    So I told my partner that he’s stuck with me for at least the rest of her life. lol

  • Ivy

    In our case, it would be me. Hubby loves our one cat who practically acts like a dog, but he could not (would not) keep the litter box clean… except when I’m pregnant or deathly ill, and even then it takes twisting his arm.

  • http://learnedpawspetservices.com Rwan Hardesty

    I’d get Learned. Negotiations would have to be made for Enzo. :)

  • Heather

    it would be easy. when we adopted our 2 cats, one got chipped and registered in his name and the other in my name. and the one registered in his name totally loves him and only loves me when I’ve got food. we did it on purpose so that *if* we ever were to break up there would be no question of ownership.

    this needs to be thought about. my future sister-in-law broke up with her abusive partner and he took her dog with him and started threatening to have the dog put down if she didn’t take him back. unfortunately he was the one who’s name was on all the paperwork so legally the dog was his even though to him all the dog was was a bargaining chip.

  • Chile

    My ex put the dogs in the petition for divorce to which I had my lawyer motion for it to be removed because I wasn’t going through a costly custody battle. Blade was a gift to ME. The AKC papers were in MY name. He was my soulmate. Although he wanted Cookie, all of her adoption papers were in MY name as his her microchip. Besides I did 99% of the care of both dogs. He never once asked about either dog during the separation and I would have been damned before he got visitation. He got Cookie for about 4 hours one Sunday afternoon during the ten months and got to see Blade for about 10 minutes. Both were very much my dogs and my shadows. And I still remember the first day of our freedom and Blade had a very big smile on his face so I don’t think he was mourning the loss at all.

    Now Cookie has a really awesome dad and has forsaken me. LOL! But I know in the future, it’s something I won’t have to worry about. Been there, done that.

    I would have disappeared with the dogs before I was forced to give them up to that @sshat.

  • Beccity

    We have 5 cats. My husband & I each have our own cat who adopted us, so there is no question there. I think it would boil down to, Amy and Luna go with my husband (Amy is his, and we adopted Luna at the same time), Sugar and Loki with me (Sugar is mine and Loki is her brother) and Spice would stay with whoever got the house. She has adopted not a person, but one room in the house.

  • http://dawgbusiness.blogspot.com/ Jana Rade

    I agree that the animal is certainly better off having their owners fight for them than the alternative.

    I do think that most animals choose their person though. For example, Jasmine is distinctly my dog. She loves my hubby, she loves everyone, but she is my dog. I have a friend who got herself a parrot, she is really disappointed because the bird got attached to her boyfriend instead.

    Hubby and I are extremely unlikely to break up. But if we did, Jasmine goes with me, there is no question about that.

  • http://www.romeothecat.com caroline

    We would have a major battle on our hands for sure!

  • Esther

    There was never any doubt that Moose was mine. Even though I got him when I was in a long term relationship and my ex came with me to get him and came to every puppy class and most adult dog classes. My mom paid for half the cost of Moose and I paid the other half as well as all vet bills and training classes. When my ex and I split I told him he could have visitation rights and now that a couple years has passed we (my ex and I) are back to being friends so its not a big deal. Moose adores him and to this day I’ve told him and everyone I know that if something awful were to happen to me Devin is to get Moose.

  • Esther

    Moose was mine without a doubt but I know my ex loves him and too this day he is to get Moose if anything were to happen to me. There wasn’t a battle about who he belonged to because we both knew from the beginning he was mine. I paid for everything.

  • http://Murielgourlez MURIELGOURLEZ

    I’ve got no partner, my husband died 11 years ago, but MY PETS are the most important for me

  • http://Murielgourlez MURIEL GOURLEZ

    I’ve got no patner, my husband died11 years ago and my pets are the most important for me

  • Orli

    My boyfriend likes to joke that he’d get the one cat (out of 4) that actually does more than just tolerate him; Diesel will sleep in the crook of his knees and is the most affectionate of the lot.

    However, we both know it’s not true–while I doubt we’ll break up (and certainly hope it doesn’t ever happen!) it’s extremely obvious that I would end up with all four cats, simply because I’m the only one who is willing and able to take care of them. He doesn’t like to deal with the litterbox (even our super-expensive electric one which just needs to be cleaned out twice a week) and sometimes forgets to feed them when I’m not home.

    Not to mention, despite the fact that he has paid for some of their care–half of the sterilizations, food, litter–I’m the one who pays for medical care and whose name is on the vet records, the microchips, the collar tags–and I’m the one with veterinary experience. I think any judge would see that I’m the better choice anyway!

  • Tassia

    If Drew and I were to split up, deciding who got which pets would be a huge problem. I’d want to take Kitteh and Chewy with me, but I couldn’t separate Chewy from Q, and Q is firmly in Drew’s camp.

    Good thing we won’t be breaking up in the forseeable future. We’re comfortable and content.

  • http://browndogcbr.blogspot.com/ Hawk aka BrownDog

    Hi Y’all,

    My Humans are ancient and have been happily married for 280 years. So I don’t worry about stuff like that…but I am really a Momma’s boy.

    Y’all come by now,
    Hawk aka BrownDog