1. Are you really a veterinarian?
Yes. This is why I won’t give you advice over the net, because I know better.
2. Where did you go to school?
University of California, Davis. I’d brag about that but I leave that to the people at that OTHER vet school. You know the one. You can tell a Davis grad by asking them this question: What did you do at the Smoker? If they stammer and refuse to answer, they are an Aggie.
3. Are you available to write for our site, speak at our conference or do other media work?
I do freelance writing and contribute to local media as a health and lifestyle expert. I am also available for speaking engagements.
3a. I meant, will you do stuff for me for free?
Protip: “Exposure to our 500,000 Facebook fans” is not payment.
4. Can you answer a few questions about my cow and lizard?
No. The day I passed the board exams was the last time I knew anything about cows. I never knew anything about lizards, even during the boards.
5. OK then, how about a question about my dog? I’ll be quick.
Let me be unfortunately and under orders from a qualified lawyer clear: I cannot diagnose, prescribe, or make treatment recommendations for your pet. It’s almost impossible to do accurately over the net anyway, and even if it weren’t, I legally can’t. That requires a Veterinarian-Client-Patient-Relationship. You and I have a Casual-Internet-Acquaintance.
Questions about your pet’s health condition will always be answered the same way: do what your veterinarian says.
On that note, while I talk about certain medical conditions from time to time, allow me to write in small print my medical disclaimer:
The information contained here is intended solely for the general information of the reader. It is not intended to diagnose health problems or to take the place of professional medical care. The information contained herein is neither intended to dictate what constitutes reasonable, appropriate or best care for any given health issue, nor is it intended to be used as a substitute for the independent judgment of a veterinarian for any given health issue.
In other words, if you have a question about your dog, you should see your awesome local vet and not take my word for anything, even given my answer to question 1.
6. I want to be a vet. How do you do it? Where do you go? How long does it take? How many hours do you need to volunteer? Which are the best schools, in what order are they ranked, and what is the approximate cost of education and number of applications per seat for each?
Darned if I remember. But check it out! There is a ton of awesome information here at I Want to Be a Veterinarian, including a loan repayment calculator. Loans: the gift that keep on giving. Remember that.
7. What do I call you? Dr. V? J-dawg?
Dr. V/ Dr. Vogelsang: This is what you call me if you want something from me. Hint hint. Either will do.
If you’ve bought me a drink at any point in our relationship, Jessica will do. Otherwise I will assume you simply don’t care about my feelings enough to indulge me this one teensy little honorific, in which case why would I help promote your new dog ear wipe? No, really?
8. Can I write a guest post for you?
9. No questions, just wanted to tell you being a veterinarian is stupid and this site is stupid and you must hate people.
OK. Glad you got that out of your system.