Law Enforcement Incident Report
Date: 03/26/2010 Time Printed: 0715 Incident Number: 012345INCIDENT DATA:
Incident Type: HOMICIDE
Address of Occurence: DR V’S YARD
Weapon Used: TEETH
Name: V, DOCTOR
Name: DOE, J
Name: V, BRODY
Status: HOUSE ARREST
Physical Description: Age: 10 mos weight: 65 lb color: gold
Charges: TEETHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER
0700: Call to police from homeowner reporting incident involving unruly teen. She let him out to go potty, and noticed suspect taking an unusally long time to come back in. When she called him, he came running up holding what she thought was a rope. Complainant soon realized it was a large tail and a foot hanging from suspect’s mouth. Commanded suspect to “Drop it” and, per complainant, “he just sat there rolling his tongue around and tasting it.” Suspect eventually dropped the victim after escalating threats.
Victim consists of a tail, a hemipelvis, and a leg, approximately 7 inches long, gray/brown, and disgusting. Possible ROUS. Complainant did not witness attack and cannot confirm if suspect had accomplices such as an owl or hawk. Suspect released to owner on own recognizance for decontamination, and victim was buried under a bush.
1300: Police called back to home. Suspect was let out into yard and after 5 minutes dug up the remains and was again running around the yard tasting it. Complainant requests police support so she does not commit a crime herself.
Victim was transferred by hazmat to wildlife preserve/open space 1 mile away and deposited in creekbed. Suspect was transferred to maximum security living room and “No Lick Lockdown” for 24 hour observation.