What’s Eating Dr. V?

My children are a little bit jealous that I’m going on an adventure to the Amazon without them. Totally understandable. To mitigate this somewhat, I’ve recruited both sets of grandparents and set in motion Spoil-a-palooza, which I have a feeling will be far preferable to them than anything I could come up with. Grandparents sure do know how to show grandkids a good time.

Once I got that under control, they became very interested in hearing what I would be doing in Peru. “Working with animals,” I told them. Enchanted with my tales of the magical rodent that I would surely befriend, they asked what else I would be seeing down there, so I decided to craft an “Amazon Alphabet” primer.

Unfortunately, while I was working on it my husband turned on that horrifying Animal Planet show I’m Alive– you know, the one that features story after story of people messily half-devoured by bears and snatched from the meaty jaws of death mere moments before the skull crushing commences, so I wrote it while becoming increasingly paranoid about the many ways I might die on the trip. Needless to say, this turned out more Gorey than Goodall. No matter.

The Amazon Alphabet

A is for anaconda, who’ll squeeze you so tight;

B is for bushmaster, bringing death with one bite

C is for caiman, who’ll snap you in two;

D is for Dengue, a plague worse than flu

E is for eel, who’ll shock you a bit

F is for finch, who’ll sing your obit

G is for giant otter, endangered and cute;

H is for heron, who wades in the goo.

I’s for iguana, who looks blue or green

J is for jaguar, who sneaks up unseen.

K is for kinkajou, who hides in the trees,

L is for leaf cutters, who snatch up the leaves.

M is for malaria, I’ll avoid it with DEET

N is for nematode, who finds your guts neat.

O is for ocelot, aloof, seldom seen;

P’s for piranha, who’ll strip your bones clean.

Q is for queen conch, blown to signal a meet

R is for river dolphin, one that I’d love to greet.

S is for sloth, who moves slow as molasses;

T’s for tarantula, which scares me off my asses.

U for ungulate, I love tapir babies!

V is for vampire bat, who’ll gift you with rabies

W is for wasp, who stings worse than bees

X is for x-ray, which I hope I won’t need.

Y is for yellow poison frog, they’re used to make darts

Z is for zebra though they aren’t in these parts.

Filed: Daily Life, Picks of the Litter Tagged: , , ,
  • A to Z a great laugh, first thing in the morning!

  • Cathey

    How fun (& creepy) is this! Thanks for the lesson in animals of the Amazon!

  • Rhyming is NOT easy and you did a great job! Loving “Tโ€™s for tarantula, which scares me off my asses” – a wee bit of poetic license there, eh? Overachievers, gotta love ’em. A wonderful job, you are a great and creative mom. The grandparents got nothin’ on you.

  • Lisa W

    Nicely done! Thanks for the laugh!

  • Hi Y’all,
    You just convinced my Human that she needs to stay home with me!
    Y’all come by now,
    Hawk aka BrownDog
    P.S. While y’all are gone will y’all be able to give us our daily fix of Dr V? You’re my 2nd favorite vet! (My own Dr G is my #1)

  • TaxiLab

    very funny and creative! good job!!

  • Jan

    I had no idea death by animal was so easy to come by.

  • Love it!

  • beccity

    Ha!! H is from my favorite bit from BBC’s Walk on the Wild Side! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ1HKCYJM5U

    • OMG that was awesome! ๐Ÿ˜€ Love the BBC.

  • Wow – love it. That is a lot of work – all of those photos and all of those rhymes. Sharing with my kids!

  • Tamara

    Just finished a book from a traveler through Peru, Bolivia and Ecuador…lots of dangers, but mosquitoes may be the worst. I hope you have an amazing time ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Dr. V this is incredible! I love it. Weยดve hung up something to keep bats out of your lodging by the way!!

    • I was hoping you wouldn’t be offended. I love all of them (except the wasps and tarantulas.) I’m vaccinated for rabies so they can bite me all they want. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • Oh my… you cracked me up!

  • Megan

    Z is for zebra danio, a type of tropical fish found in south america!!!. Also, I got to work with a kinkajou at my last job; I’ll email you a pic ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Hilarious! May I just say that I am incredibly jealous of your upcoming adventure, but maybe a little less so when I think of all the creepy crawlies lurking in the jungle. The butterflies I can deal with (I need more Owl Butterflies in my life), but I’ll pass on the tarantulas and wasps.

  • Sassy

    Very good! I’ve encountered many of these in my time in the Amazon-but luckily, neither I or the animal was injured in the encounter! I must admit I was a bit creeped out when I discovered that one of our neighbors killed an anaconda (12 ft long!) that was in the river where we usually swam every day!

  • N.Edwards

    Very clever and fun!