The Tube of Awesome
After 5 days back in the comforts of home, I’ve become mildly alarmed at the state of my arms. I thought my various bites and lesions would be resolved within a few days, but here we are Friday and I still look like I have chicken pox. Yes, it’s better, but it’s still enough for me to get the stink eye if I don’t cover up when I go outside.
They’re getting better, no doubt, and within another week or two I’m sure I’ll be back to normal- but I’m over wearing long sleeves and pants. It’s in the 80s.
To add insult to injury, I was extended a very special invitation through BlogPaws to attend the Petco Foundation Annual Gala this weekend, which I am very excited about since Ellen Degeneres is the guest of honor, speaking about her work with the Halo Pet Foundation. I have to get something dressy to wear. A long-sleeved habit just won’t do for this, even if it has sequins. So do I get a formal dress and just blaze on in, bumps and all, or do I cover up like a sweaty Olsen twin under layers of bulk?
I’ve been rubbing calamine lotion and benadryl spray and whatever else I can dig up in an attempt to make these unsightly bites recede a bit faster. In desperation, I finally did something I’ve resisted for my entire career as a vet: raided my castoff pet med bin.
It’s worth a shot, I figured, rubbing some ear infection ointment on my arms. Now I will tell you this: you should never rub your dog’s ear infection ointment on random undiagnosed lesions on your arms. That is a terrible idea, I must tell you as a veterinarian. What if you had scabies and you just covered them with steroids? Or leprosy? I simply couldn’t bear the burden of you making a terrible mistake so I must insist, if you think you have chigger bites go to your doctor and get chigger bite cream, whatever the hell that might be. That is my official statement on the subject.
That being said, I had no desire to drag my sinus-inflamed self on a 45 minute trek to the doctor for her to tell me to go get some benadryl and suck it up, so yes, I rubbed Brody’s ear infection ointment on my arms. I’d like to say it made the bumps all burn terribly and blow up like mini cauliflowers, but: it was awesome.
My husband asked me what is in dog ear infection ointment, and to make it simple I said, “everything.”
“How come,” he asked, “there is no people ointment that contains everything?”
“Because,” I theorized, “companies make a lot more money selling you 4 different creams.” Though it could probably also stand to reason that your average human patient is a little more willing to get diagnostics done as opposed to just throwing an entire pharmacopeia at the problem and hoping something sticks.
Either way, at this point I’m more concerned about getting escorted out of the Petco event by Ellen’s security guards, convinced I’m a bioterrorism threat, than I am at the dubious intelligence of rubbing canine liniment on my arms. I’ll keep you posted on the outcome.
