Bad Santa: Or, how I blew a dog’s chance at the National Obedience Title
I recorded my homecoming on Monday. I really did. I wanted to document the joyous reunion between me and my loving dogs. It went a little something like this:
Opening: My hand on the doorknob. Whining behind the door.
Me: HI GUYS!
cacophony
dogs running amuk
kisses
Me: I missed you SOO much! *looks up*
screams
And scene.
Derailed Christmas train.
I don’t even know what this is. Coal in the stocking, is what it is.
Brody is not exactly the Golden Goodwill ambassador of gentrification. I’ll come back to this.
I was surprised to find how much I enjoyed watching the obedience trials at the AKC/Eukanuba show. I had never really watched one before. I guess it appeals to my sense of order. I tell you what to do, and you do it, and everyone wins.
I suppose the fact that a good 50% of the dogs competing there were Goldens might have had something to do with my enjoyment.
I watched this for a good amount of time, wandering quietly around the rings as the dogs focused with laserlike intent on their owners. I strolled around to a row of bleachers, sat down in the front, and watched an adorable chihuahua undergo her trial.
I was sitting quietly as a mouse, admiring her. I surreptitiously snapped a photo. Our eyes met.
The dog plopped down and stared at me. I froze. The owner, walking away, did not see this happening until the judge said, “Get your dog, ma’am.” (This happens around me a lot.)
The dog looked at her, looked at me, then squeezed under the fence and jumped on me. Immediate disqualification. And this is a dog at a national obedience championship. I swear I didn’t encourage this, but I was so mortified I got up and left anyway.
There is only one logical explanation for this, for Surfer Girl sitting on the stacking line, for Brody being the world’s most insane Golden Retriever, for that one incident on the radio I never discuss in public. It’s not them, it’s me.
I inspire misbehavior in others. It is my secret talent. I didn’t realize it until now, but suddenly my college years make so much more sense. Me, I’m as pure as new fallen snow, but those around me: miscreants, the whole lot. And it was all my fault this whole time.
So, I can’t blame Brody for not falling within normal Golden Retriever parameters, ready to perform on demand:
Two seconds after this photo was taken, the Golden jumped off the table, peed on the guy on the right’s shoes, and then pantsed Santa. Kidding. But let’s just say I wouldn’t have been terribly surprised.
Here, by the way, is the National Obedience Champion, OTCH Spirit’s Zim Zam Zoom UDX6 OM4, who was fortunate enough to be outside my sphere of influence during the demonstration in front of a national audience. That would have been disastrous.
Brody and Koa, all is forgiven. You can’t help it. You have simply fallen into my Dr V Vortex of Shenanigans and Tomfoolery.
A very happy holiday to you all and may your pets stay far away from me during this well behaved holiday! 
