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The Usual Suspects

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Law Enforcement Incident Report

Date: 03/26/2010    Time Printed: 0715    Incident Number: 012345

INCIDENT DATA:

Incident Type:     HOMICIDE

Address of Occurence: DR V’S YARD

Weapon Used: TEETH

Domestic: YES

REPORTING PARTY

Name: V, DOCTOR

DOB: 08/26

Occupation: VETERINARIAN

VICTIM

Name: DOE, J

Species: UNK

Sex: UNK

Age: UNK

KNOWN SUSPECT

Name: V, BRODY

Status: HOUSE ARREST

DOB: 05/27/2009

Sex: M

Physical Description: Age: 10 mos weight: 65 lb color: gold

Charges: TEETHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER

NARRATIVE

0700: Call to police from homeowner reporting incident involving unruly teen. She let him out to go potty, and noticed suspect taking an unusally long time to come back in. When she called him, he came running up holding what she thought was a rope. Complainant soon realized it was a large tail and a foot hanging from suspect’s mouth. Commanded suspect to “Drop it” and, per complainant, “he just sat there rolling his tongue around and tasting it.” Suspect eventually dropped the victim after escalating threats.

Victim consists of a tail, a hemipelvis, and a leg, approximately 7 inches long, gray/brown, and disgusting. Possible ROUS. Complainant did not witness attack and cannot confirm if suspect had accomplices such as an owl or hawk. Suspect released to owner on own recognizance for decontamination, and victim was buried under a bush.

1300: Police called back to home. Suspect was let out into yard and after 5 minutes dug up the remains and was again running around the yard tasting it. Complainant requests police support so she does not commit a crime herself.

Victim was transferred by hazmat to wildlife preserve/open space 1 mile away and deposited in creekbed. Suspect was transferred to maximum security living room and “No Lick Lockdown” for 24 hour observation.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. five stars for dr v, three for originality and creativity of post, two for princess bride reference.
    one very stern “bad dog!” for brody. (although not necessarily for the original crime, rather for reclaiming the booty of said crime.)

  2. haha i love everything about this post! esp. The Princess Bride reference, “Teeticular Manslaughter”, and the fact that you had to bury the victim a mile away so that Brody wouldn’t exhume him.

  3. “No Lick Lockdown” lol I know allllll about those! If I catch Leo eating cat crunchies out of the flower bed he gets a treat-bone covered in peanut butter, a big bowl of water, a tooth brushing and “no lick lockdown” for 24 hours LMAO. You killed me with this post. Oh and ROUS FTW!

  4. Awesome.
    After the big snows here melted, they exposed some kitty cat remains. Puzzle was veeeeery interested, but the perk of not having a yard is he was on a leash so I was able to chuck it across the creek with a stick.
    The glories of dog ownership.

  5. Uh…somebody may need to be sent away to military school… heh heh

    🙂 Heeeeelairous!

  8. Wow. It is a real shame that he has started on this path of crime and at such a young age. Kids these days!

  12. OMG, too hilarious! I plead for leniency on the grounds of extreme cuteness, your honor.

  14. I think I’m with Susan, it’s like when food falls on the ground, it’s theirs. If the ROUS trespassed, it was open game. Brody had to defend his turf and possibly the entire herd, umm, err, pack.

    I don’t think this is an open and shut case.

  15. In fact, I think I am on a campaign.

    FREE BRODY! FREE BRODY! FREE BRODY! FREE BRODY! FREE BRODY! FREE BRODY! FREE BRODY! FREE BRODY! FREE BRODY! FREE BRODY! FREE BRODY! FREE BRODY! FREE BRODY!

    Who’s with me?!

    Psst, Brode, I’ll send a nail file in the dog biscuits, shhhhh!

  17. Free Brody , Free Brody , LOL Dr V you have done it again. I am laughing so my stomach hurts LOL Get the disinfectatnt get the iodine ..LOLOL You have a wonderful gift of narration.:-)
    I feel your pain though. My black lab I had ( since passed ) got a hold of a rat and wouldnt let go of it . Its little legs and tail would dangle out of Jacks mouth taunting me . He carried it around for 2 weeks by the end it was pretty gross just fur and bones . I couldnt get it from him. I tried to snatch it when he would eat but he would guard it between his feet . I did manage to snatch it once ( Hazmat suit ) and bury it , but like your intrepid perpetrator , he dug it up again. I finally managed to get it ( second Hazmat suit ) and throw it in the burn bin. Jack was decontaminated and resumed his licking duties LOL
    Free Brody ..LOL

  19. Grody Brody strikes again! Wow, that is just amazing what he finds… ugh. really? he was “rolling his tongue around and tasting it???” Gross!!

  20. not no lick lockdown! Does Brody have counsel? I could see filing a writ of mandamus to challenge the constitutionality of this cruel & unusual punishment! 🙂

  21. #1. It was delicious.
    #2. I hope he had adequate representation.
    #3. It sounds like entrapment.

  25. There is a self-serve dog wash in Boston that knows my Milo as the “one who dug up the carp.” One fine spring weekend last year over 25 different dogs came in for the de-skunk supreme bath after Milo dug up a decomposing fish from the melting pond in the dog park near our our house, raced gleefully towards me with it, until, about 25 feet away (approximately the distance at which we we realized that dangly silver thing in his mouth was, in fact, an enormous dead fish) he dropped it, and proceeded to roll in it. Face first. I eventually dragged him away but didn’t have the gumption to re-bury it….sorry, other dog owners! you’re welcome, laundromutt!

  26. You’re no fun dog owner! Free Broody indeed 🙂 I foresee many repeated offend Dr. V

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