Who needs Crossfit when you have a dog?

Like many of you, I started this new year with an extra pound or two that leaped- LEAPED, I tell you- onto my hips when I wasn’t looking. The cookies held me down by force and shoved themselves into my unwilling face at the Christmas party. Nonetheless, I’m now in the process of evicting this unwanted excess material, and since we moved, that means I need to find a new exercise routine/ gym.

I thought about CrossFit. I really did. But it sounds like boot camp, and not in a good way but in a “you wind up broken and sad” kind of way. I don’t know. Maybe it’s what I need. I’ve been researching the local studios- excuse me, box, kind of like “kennel” I guess- and what a regular routine entails.

Then I realized my dogs were gross and needed a bath, so I took a break from my research and wrangled them into the master bathroom.

It was about this time that I started to notice the parallels.

1. Dead Lift

In 30 seconds or less, lift your large retriever into the tub. Olympic form preferred. For an added element of difficulty, make sure your weight bar is an unwilling participant in the exercise.

2. Kipping pullups

For this exercise, make sure your required equipment is well out of the way on a high shelf. Then, once your dog is wet and you need to access the shampoo, hold the dog in place with one foot so he or she can’t escape while bracing yourself on the shower curtain rod and leaning over the tub edge to get your towel/ shampoo/etc.

3. Running

Time for some cardio! Give your wet dog a 2 second head start, then start chasing after him or her with a towel. Your goal is to catch the dog before they a) rub wet body all over the wall b) make it outside to go roll in the dirt through the door your kid accidentally left open.

4. Rows

Ah, now that your heart rate is through the roof, time for some stretching and cooldown. Get your supplies and get ready to tackle the dog hair that got plastered throughout various portions of the house at heights not normally considered possible. It’s a great way to spend an hour.

Sure, you could just use a professional groomer, but where’s the calorie burning in that? See! Who needs a gym or a box or a drill instructor when you have a big hairy dog! With a simple tub and towel, you too can be in the shape of your life and your dog will be clean and shiny.

I call it “RuffFit.”