Pet Doctor Barbie
It’s been a while since I’ve done a Pet Doctor Barbie post. It’s past due for a new episode, yes? I think it’s time for Pet Doctor Barbie to meet one of her self-appointed arch nemeses, Pet Food Dude.
Hi Mrs. Sandford, good to see you and Muffin. It’s been a while!
I’m really glad you’re doing housecalls now. I want to get Muffin’s bump looked at again.
OK, I’ll just look at my notes here- 1 cm, top of head…mm hmmm… So where we left it one year ago was that you were going to go talk to your husband and then we were going to aspirate it.
Oh….yes. It’s grown quite a bit since then. We really need –
Yes, I wanted to talk to you about that. I’m a bit upset that you didn’t mention last time how his kibble might have caused this.
We don’t really understand why cancer occurs, Mrs. Sandford. The important thing now is to take care of this mass. I’d hate for you to blame yourself because of your food selection.
I don’t blame myself. I blame you. How much do you make from Big Pet Food anyway?
Actually nothing. But aren’t you feeding a boutique brand anyway? You told me last time you were feeding…let me check…organic grain free non-GMO preservative free all natural Wolf Chunks.
Yes, and you told me to stop and to go back to that one full of corn and despair!
Actually, no, I said Wolf Chunks were fine if that’s what you wanted. But about that mass…
I’ve been using turmeric on the advice of Pet Food Dude. Do you know Pet Food Dude? Can I borrow your computer? This guy knows all your tricks.
Sure, have at it. May I ask what tricks you are referring to?
Vaccines. Pet food. You know. Poison. They are full of free radicals that are overpowering the antioxidants and preventing cellular apoptosis no matter how many carrots I add.
Here’s his site. He knows your medicine is a lie and you’re really just after our money.
I’m going to log on and see what the forums say about your “cancer just happens” line. Oh wait….shoot. My membership is expired. Can you hand me my wallet?
Oh, I think I’ve seen his site. Is he the one who sells supplements and seminars on dog juicing?
Yes! He’s a pioneer. OK, credit card updated, I’m in.
OK, here we go: Have I at any point in the past fed kibble from Big Pet Food or gotten Muffin vaccinated? Yes, 10 years ago. So they say here that this is why he has cancer and it isn’t responding to the turmeric. They also said you would say exactly what you said about it not being their fault, and not to fall for it. What do you have to say to THAT?
Mrs. Sandford, I need to level with you here.
It really doesn’t matter to me what you’re feeding Muffin. I am glad you care about him and want to do what’s best for him. I do too! I promise! I’m having a really hard time talking to you when you’re typing at someone who is convinced I’m out to hurt you both. Right now I am just really worried about the size of this mass on his head. I think we need to get him in for a full evaluation ASAP.
*tap tap* I’ll think about it. I haven’t tried coconut oil yet.
May I ask why you even had me come out?
I just wanted this all on DropCam- see it over there? It’ll be on Pet Food Dude’s YouTube tonight. He’s doing a “Vets Revealed” bit. Well, since you didn’t do anything I’m sure you aren’t expecting payment. You can see yourself out.
TO BE CONTINUED….
A couple times a year, I take a stroll through Toys R Us to see if there is a new Pet Vet Barbie being inflicted upon the masses. There’s a cat vet one, which I bought just because she has a slide on the exam table and that alone was worth the price- I mean, what cat doesn’t love going down a slide at the vet clinic?- but that’s not what really got me excited.
The Barbie I had to grab was the Fashionista Barbie. Those babies have moveable joints. MOVEABLE JOINTS! Now, why fashionistas need moveable joints but astronauts, veterinarians and bakers do not is beyond me, but maybe the good folks at Mattel just spend too many hours watching Paris Hilton contort on the red carpet and not enough seeing how women with actual jobs have to bend from time to time.
So anyway, I immediately took this Barbie, changed her clothes out for a pair of scrubs, and threw her into the Pawcurious Clinic to see what would happen. It quickly became apparent that she was so versatile and helpful, that she wasn’t actually a pet doctor at all.
She was, in fact, a tech. Now that’s a doll Mattel could really do something with. (more…)
The other day, my daughter was invited to a birthday party and told to bring a favorite doll. She brought down one of her special amputee Barbies, the arm neatly chewed off below the elbow.
“Aw honey,” I said, “Do you want to pick a doll that has all her limbs?”
She looked at me askance. “ALL of my dollies are like this.” She said this without a hint of regret or remorse. “That’s just what happens when Brody shares.”
I guess when all you’ve known is a pet serial doll killer, it doesn’t occur to you to be bothered by it.
Jessie: Wow, guys, I think we really hit the jackpot this time! We’re owned by a beautiful little girl now! Will you look at this place?
Buzz: It appears satisfactory. I am going to investigate the rest of the premises.
Happy Monday, all! This Pet Doctor Barbie post was probably the most labor intensive to date, but it was a labor of love. I hope you like it.
Pawcurious Media and Dr V present:
“A Wish for Wings That Work”
Hi everyone. Thanks so much for coming to Pet Loss Anonymous.
Hey man, what are you in for? Biting a kid?
Most Barbies only come out once or twice: NASCAR Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, Spongebob Barbie, etc. But there are some that, for obvious reasons, keep coming back in multiple incarnations for each new generation of starry eyed little girls. This is why I have 5 versions of Pet Vet Barbie.
The old ones weren’t so bad. Why each successive one has been stranger and stranger is open to postulation, but even I couldn’t explain what the heck Mattel was thinking with their latest offering of Pet Vet Barbie.
I know they know how to make a vaguely appropriate outfit for a medical office, as evidenced by the new Kid Doctor Barbie on the right. Kid Doctor: sleek, professional, bouffant-ed. Pet Doctor: ponytailed truck stop hash-slinger. What gives?
My theory is this: (more…)
Well, since you all have been so indulgent about the Hounds for Haiti stuff and are doing so well with filling up the page with bids, let’s take a mental break for an episode of Pet Doctor Barbie. What do you say?
This episode is entitled, “The Devil Went Down to Omaha.”
I recently had lunch with a colleague and friend of mine, who for the purposes of this post shall be referred to as Dr. Daisy. Dr. Daisy is a little ray of sunshine, sprinkling good cheer and merriment wherever she goes. It’s hard not to like Dr. Daisy.
Shortly after graduation, she took a job at my old clinic, working with Dr. Nessa.
I had worked with Dr. Nessa but briefly before leaving for a stint as an emergency vet. From what I understand, this was a good thing. Sure, she seemed decent enough in our brief interactions together, but shortly after leaving I started to get calls from my ex co-workers that sounded like Radar calling in for backup from the trenches in Korea.
“Dr V! I only have a minute…” sounds of yelling “It’s crazy here! You gotta come back! There’s needles flying every- whaa? AAAUUGHH!” crash
My friends on the front lines didn’t last long before getting their own discharge papers (mental breakdowns, every one) but the stories they told would make your hair curl. So when Dr. Daisy took a job there, I was a little nervous for her sweet and unassuming self. Apparently it went about as well as one would expect given the circumstances:
“Hi! I’m Dr. Daisy! I look forward to working with you!”
“Whatever. Just stay out of my way.”
“Can I ask you a question about a case?”
“But, it’s about this cat you saw and the owner says you turned it into a pot belled pig and- uh, oooooookay…….never mind.”
And so on and so forth.
Voiceover: Diagnosing a pet is like fighting a battle in the fog. Without their ability to tell you what’s wrong, you don’t know your enemy. Sometimes the fog is a mere hazy gauze, easily penetrated with our exam and our instincts, and other times it sits over the field like a big hairy blindfold.
Well hello there, Miss Blake! What brings you and Lulu here today?
Doctor, Lulu just isn’t herself. I don’t know what is wrong, but something is wrong.
Any changes in appetite or drinking behavior? No.
Any changes in activity level? No.
Any vomiting, diarrhea, coughing, sneezing? No.
What is leading you to think something is wrong?
I don’t know. (cue folksy music) (more…)
If there is one thing that is ubiquitous in this field, it is dogs with itchy skin. While many vets shudder at the ever present itchy dog, I kind of like it. Lucky for me, since dermatology represents something like one third of all the cases we see. I don’t think it’s boring. I think it’s interesting. That being said, it’s not always the most complicated case on the docket. We’re not talking House, here. There are one or two scripts that play out over and over like clockwork starting every spring. The story arc is as steady and predictable as a poorly written sitcom.
What does this episode bring?
FLEAS: Another Dr. Barbie Presentation (cue laugh track)
Hi Mister Jones! We haven’t seen you for a couple months. How are things going with Betsy?
Well doc, it’s the strangest thing. Yesterday she was fine, and today she woke up and had no hair.
Overnight, you say? OK, let’s take a look. Is she on flea control?
No, but she doesn’t need it. We don’t have fleas. (cue laugh track)
OK Mr. Jones…I’m seeing a lot of scabs here, and actually, oh! Look at that. There are quite a few fleas on her as well.
That’s not possible. She must have gotten them in your waiting room. I’m telling you, those bald patches showed up overnight.
These scabs are looking pretty chronic, to be honest. You might not have noticed them until today, but I bet she has had them for a while. All that black stuff is what we call flea dirt. I actually see a few tapeworm segments as well, which indicates that she has ingested fleas while she is grooming herself. So we should get you an antibiotic for that skin infection, a dewormer, and some Advantage*.
Can you just tell me what you’d give to her? Maybe write it all down for me? I have some leftover antibiotics from my other dog that died last year, I get dewormer at the feed store and I get Hartz at Costco. So I don’t need anything from you.
…..Or maybe you have some old expired stuff you could just give me? (cue laugh track)
(Mr Jones looks at camera and says witty catchphrase, gives a thumbs up):
I take it from your expression that’s a no.
(cue laugh track)