I kicked open the door and saw the dame sitting by my office desk right away. Kiki. This meant trouble.
“What are you doing here, kitten?” I growled, putting down my java and sliding my hand to make sure I was still packing heat. The cold steel of my shiv pressed against my palm. “Some hoodlum acting up again?”
“We got trouble over in the cell, Doc,” she said. “Jerky Maloy got popped in the schnozzle but he ain’t cooperating.”
Doc- that’s me. Doc Slicey. I pack a shot of joe in my left hand and a shot for Joe in my right.
“Jerky Maloy, eh?” My blood boiled just thinking of him. Last time I saw him he gave me a little chin music to remember him by. I still got the scars to prove it. “He’s all clammed up? He’s never had a problem opening his yap before. I got a century says we can make that canary sing.”
We went down to the clink where Jerky Malone sat staring at us all with a sour puss on his mug. “You look like someone took a good poke at you, Jerky,” I said. “It’s an improvement.” He hissed at me. Another hot-headed Irishman.
“That’s what I mean,” said Kiki. “Look at that ball on his kisser. He looks like someone planted a slug in his face, but he won’t let me get near him.” She leaned over and yelled, “Ya hear that, you punk? I’m TRYIN to help YA!” He stuck out a meaty paw and took a swipe at her kisser. She jumped back and cursed a blue streak.
“He don’t trust the croakers,” she said, jerking a thumb at me. “But he ain’t got a choice now, does he?”
“Yeah, he blew it,” I agreed, sneering at him. “Someone made you their rube, Jerky. But we got ways of putting the screws on to make you talk.”
I pulled a pill out of my pocket and wagged it in front of his face. “Ever meet this broad?” I asked. “Her name is Tela. Tela Zol. She got a talent for making thugs do what we want.”
Jerky spat at me, so I introduced him to my friend. Jerky, meet Tela. She ain’t never met a cat she didn’t like. 10 minutes later Jerky was flopped out on the hooch like he’d been slamming the giggle juice since sunrise.
Kiki slapped on a pair of gloves and hit the overhead lamp. “Time for the interrogation, eh doc?”
I took a gander at the goose egg on Jerky’s face. “He hiding oyster eggs in there or what?” I asked. Kiki started grilling his mouth, looking for hints. I took a probing look at his face, trying to find a hidden slug. Nothing.
“Time to crank up the heat,” I snarled at Kiki. I cracked my knuckles in anticipation. “Let’s put on the pressure. Get me the drill.”
Jerky had a mouth that would make a sailor blush. Something may be rotten in the state of Denmark, but it ain’t got nothin’ on this cat’s grill. I reached into the toolbox and pulled out my extractors. “No,” gasped Kiki. “You can’t.”
“Yes,” I responded. “I can.” Then I got to work.
I found the little hoodlum hiding behind Jerky’s canine. He thought if he covered himself in gum tissue I wouldn’t notice his raggedy root hanging out. “You’re mine,” I growled. “Time for you to fade out, chump.” I grabbed him, and he slurped and moaned as I dragged him out of his rotten socket hidey-hole. It was duck soup.
I don’t know why Jerky was protecting that grifter. He was hiding all sorts of berries in Jerky’s mug- he had a whole passel of pus stuffed up under his tooth. Yeah, I needed to drown my sorrows with my sweetie Jack Daniel after that one, but it was worth it to put that scumbag in a Chicago overcoat so he’d be nice and toasty for his dirt nap. Jerky must have felt a whole lot better after dumping that stiff, even though he’d never reveal that to me.
Maybe he thought I couldn’t handle it. Maybe he was embarrassed to have to confess to some broad that he needed help. But I ain’t your average moll. I’m Doc Slicey.
The final winner of Scent of the Missing is Hillary! Congratulations!
Eric Goebelbecker says
“…flopped out on the hooch like he’d been slamming the giggle juice since sunrise.”
Coffee all over my laptop screen!
Dr. V, FTW!
Elizabeth and the Lab Crew says
Tela Zol – hahaha love it
I can seriously visualize the whole thing! (In black and white, of course, and in a room full of smoke. Although, I have no clue where the smoke is coming from!)
Georgia Jewel says
I love the classics!
LOL!!! Hilarious! Love love love it.
Susan Montgomery says
Don’t know what a ‘shiv’ is but don’t need to, you got my attention right from the start…Grrreat stuff.
Dr. V says
You win the last copy of Scent of the Missing! Send your info to drv (at) pawcurious (dot) com and I will get it out to you!
Dave Z. says
*laughing so hard tears are running down my face* 🙂
As a avid reader of detective novels, take my advice. “You ain’t gunna make it in this town, sweetheart.” But, as a stand up comic, YOU ARE THE BEES KNEES! Keep ’em coming!!!
“Jerky had a mouth that would make a sailor blush. Something may be rotten in the state of Denmark, but it ain’t got nothin’ on this cat’s grill.”
bwahhh! Love Doc Slicey!!
WOW! This is Fantastic! Brava! you should put it togheter and submit it to a publisher! Really, really good…here I am thinking of Mafia, dark alleys, cigars, and some private investigator… then it turns out to be a dentist?? Niiice!
This has to be the best Noir satire I’ve ever seen! I hope you do more, it made me giggle (without the juice’s help) on an otherwise annoying day.
Lisa W says
HiLARious!!!! Thanks for the grins and giggles, Doc Slicey!
Jenn D. says
I definitely have some days that would be better if I had an acquaintance with Ms. Zol. 🙂
That was pure enjoyment! Giggles a plenty. Brava Doc Slicey.
Petie the Cat says
Hee heee hee Doc slicey, purrr
Brad Fulton says
I had NO IDEA that pet Dentistry was so filled with intrigue, so fraught with peril!!!!!
I was late for a lunch date because I couldn’t stop reading this. Loved it!
LOVE Doc Slicey! What a brilliant addition!
That was seriously cute! Love it.
loved Doc Slicey’s story 😀
Camila F. says
Love it, love it, love it! ♥
Thanks, I needed to LMAO. This did it. Great job gumshoe.
Sue W. says