Yesterday was a really bittersweet day for me. It was my daughter’s last day of kindergarten. I didn’t think it would hit me quite this hard, but it really got me right in the throat to watch all the little munchkins skip up to the teacher with their little cardboard caps to pick up their kindergarten diplomas.
The teacher took them down to the field for a few minutes to run some energy off before the afternoon graduation party, and while they were doing that I joined a couple of the parents who arrived to set up. One of the mothers had a child in junior high, and she was telling me about how devastated she was to hear that a classmate of her daughter had taken his life over the weekend.
As I put two and two together, I started to cry. I had already known about this tragedy, from the dear friend who was this boy’s cousin. He was a sweet and much loved boy who had the unfortunate experience of being bullied, and he just couldn’t bear to fight through one more day.
I remember junior high as though it were yesterday. It was terrible. I spent many mornings physically nauseated wondering what the day would bring, what scathing insults would be hurled like sticky tar to leave indelible scars on my brain, which adult would shrug and pass on by in the hallway as kids were being kids. If it wasn’t physical, it wasn’t assault.
I don’t know exactly what changed for me, other than age and perspective that was a long time coming, but I do remember being in a dark place, despairing, without knowing how to get out. I am glad I did. Life is amazing.
I think it is a fair observation to make that those who gravitate towards careers in the animal fields tend to be more on the quiet and introspective side to begin with, and maybe we share in those painful childhood memories a bit more than the general population. I don’t know why that is, but it is a recurring theme. Regardless, once we make it out of the stormy waters of adolescence and find that the world does love and value us in all our quiet shy glory, we realize that life is, indeed, beautiful, as are we.
I watched the children as they filed back in from the playground. You can see their future roles hover over them like an aura, waiting to envelop them: captain of the football team, the cheerleader, the editor of the paper, the drama geek. They sit knee to knee and talk, unselfconsciously, smiling and holding hands. It will not always be like this.
Of course, me being me I’m sitting in the corner watching all this in silence while the PTA moms chat and compare shoes. Some things never change. I am OK with that. We come out on the other end much as we went in, not caring about our differences and happy to share our brownies.
The teacher tells the kids how well they have done over the last year, how much they have learned and how proud she is of all of them, and they beam. I say a silent prayer that they will remember, more than their letters and their math tables, how to be kind. How to accept. How to stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves.
Perhaps my career choice makes total sense after all.
I love everything you write but this one really got to me. Beautifully said.
Wow! Very touching. I remember those years too, the ones when you didn’t know if you would make it to the other end and really didn’t care if you did! But like you said, life is good once you get there. Great, great job with this one, Dr. V!
So inspirational and touching as always Dr V . It hit a place in my heart . I remember a boy that was in my grade, when I was in school who did the same thing .I didnt know him very well , he was in another class . He seemed very nice . I never understood the tragedy and sadness of it all at the time, after all these years until I read your post . I always think “what if” Thank you Dr V. 🙂
Dr V, you write so beautifully!
I remember those junior high days with a distinct lack of fondness. On top of the crap I dealt with at school, my parents used to fight all the time as well. My best friend was our family dog — and to this day I’d still rather spend time with my dogs than with most people. Corporate America has only reinforced that notion — it’s kind of like junior high, just with money added to the stakes…
Boy you took me back too. It is sad that power struggles develop and the need to be superior, prettier, stronger, faster, better that some can only feel so by putting down another. When someone takes their own life from the pain this causes it so gets me too. These are the kids that everyone “should be” rallying around to lift up! So incredibly sad.
And sadly, those who have no remorse after seeing what they’ve caused are our future criminals.
I think i need to stop reading your blog at work……people are going to start wondering why almost every day i seem to tear up for some reason! It’s either happy tears or sad tears, but there are usually tears involved 🙂 Thanks for writing it 🙂
I had similar experiences as you. In fact, I don’t know one person who would say otherwise (even people who I remember as having the life I wanted back then) which makes me wonder if we were all just trying to get by as unscathed as possible.
Definitely, it’s an awkward time for everyone. But I do know for a handful, it is beyond awkward and just unbelievable. I can think of one boy at my school that I cannot remember seeing one person talk to, ever. I don’t even know his name. Everyone called him “Loner” so that is what he was known as.
From second grade on, my years in school were an unending misery. If it wasn’t for books, I probably wouldn’t have made it. It seems as if the bullying in the schools has gotten far worse, and more dangerous, even with the laws that have been written to protect students from this. What a heartbreaking loss!
Yes, I think you make the perfect career choice, Dr. V 🙂 This post made me tear up, and it made me realize that I, too, am right where I was always meant to be.
My junior high and also high school years were much the same as yours – the worst years of my life.
Beautifully said.
I was shocked when I realized that I loved teaching middle school, because my middle school experience was pretty much like yours. But then I realized that maybe I liked MS students because I could understand what so many of them were going through, and could maybe just maybe be a bit of support for the ones that needed it.
And I’m LOLing at your PTA comment… I pretty much have the same problem.
My family moved from Mass to Southern California my sophmore year in HS. The girls back east in my HS were both emotional and physical in their abuse- scary bad. The mean girl gang just hated my guts…. Fortunately for me we had a neighbor three years ahead of me who for some reason liked me who herself was VERY tough; she put the word out that I was not to be touched. That didn’t stop the constant emotional harassment (calls to my parents falsley telling my father I was out whoring and drinking… false rumors around the school to the same effect, telling people I had said horrible things that I never did.. that kind of crap). I begged my parents to let me change schools- my dad’s response was that I get back on the horse and show them I wasn’t scared. I remember being constantly afraid to use the bathrooms at school, or be caught alone in a hallway. Gladly he got a job later than year across the country. Three weeks after we moved away, a good friend of mine was found in a ditch beaten within an inch of her life. Her family moved away after that. Fortunately for me my experience in the Southern California HS I landed in was much much better for me. It still wasn’t the 90210 experience, but I had friends,was no longer a target, and was able to go to school without fear. I am so glad as a culture we are finally starting to recognize bullying is not a right of passage. Extreme hazing is not okay. We have a long way to go, and technology has given rise to a whole new genre of bullying behavior, but at least we are starting to have these discussions on a national scale and are beginning to change the cultural attitudes towards this subject. My heart always aches when we hear of suicides, but there is a level of obscenity that shocks the conscience when a child is driven there by his peers.
Hi Dr. V, Well said! Insightful to think of where we end up with our careers has so much to do with where we are as introverts or extroverts. We spend a lot of time talking to our girls about being kind, what is kind, what is inclusive, what is selfish and I feel they are remarkable kids and I do worry every day what the future will hold. Yesterday they moved from first to second grade. Next year I have enrolled them in a new school, smaller, a little homier feeling, focusing on the arts as well as academics. I spent a lot of time wondering if I was making the move because of the bad taste that was left in my mouth from the PTO brigade (all 8 of them representing the 600 families apparently) or if I really think this school is a better fit for my daughters. In the end, it is what we make it everyday to know what is going on–such a struggle for insightful women with hearts that worry about the whole world and not just our own backyard. Congratulations and cheers–enjoy every day and understand it for what it has brought to us.
From 5 years old to about 6th grade my life was pure hell. Sadly its the most important years when you mold your personality that I was affected. The number one reason I don’t have children now is because I don’t think I could bear knowing that I had put a child on this earth that has to deal with what I went through and has made me what I am today. After lots of therapy I’m still no different. 🙁