Things were simpler back in the 80s. We only has three things to do the week before Halloween:
1. Watch the Great Pumpkin.
2. Carve a pumpkin. No one helped. If you cut your finger off, oh well.
3. Run to Woolworth’s and pick out your plastic costume that tied in the back like a surgeon’s gown and suffocating mask you could only see out of one eyeball at a time. Trying not to kill yourself tripping over the pavement was half the fun.
And that was it. Our biggest worry at the time was the ever ubiquitous ‘old man hiding razor blades in apples’ trick, which we were all scared of but no one actually ever saw.
I long for those simpler times. My week has been, shall we say, a bit more complicated.
1. Who has time to watch the Great Pumpkin? I have a Halloween party to plan at school. Except we can’t call it Halloween, so it’s a “Harvest Party” (with costumes) in grade 3 and a “Mystical Science Party” (with costumes) in grade 5. Two weeks ago I was summoned to a summit of all the room moms so we could coordinate our party activities, which were delegated as follows:
- candy potions lab
- luminescent fingerprint experiment
- homemade spooky finger cookies
- dry ice punch
- Pretend blood coagulation experiment
I missed the meeting. When I was asked after the fact what I’d like to do I offered to contribute some sort of preserved creature in formaldehyde, which was the best I could do. I was assigned plates and cups.
2. Pumpkin carving has now become an Olympic sport.
My garage is filled with half-used Pumpkin Masters and the sad remnants of plans gone awry. This year, we’re painting them and calling it a day.
3. Costume shopping began two months ago when the Chasing Fireflies catalog arrived. They cost a small fortune, but they are the only catalog where ten year old girls are still allowed to be ten year old girls.
“Why aren’t you wearing a costume, Mommy?” asked my daughter.
“Because I can’t find anything I like, honey,” I responded.
“How about a dog?” she asked. “You like dogs.”
“Maybe I’ll just be a veterinarian,” I said. “That’s hard to mess up.”
Desperate, I tried to think of the least sexy things on the planet. A lamp. A body bag. A hazmat suit.
“I don’t think that’s going to happen,” I said to her. “Maybe we can just get Brody a costume instead.”
Or maybe not.
Go home, Halloween. You’re drunk.
Please, please, please, don’t dress up your dog. First, it’s most undignified! It also hinders or prevents doggie interactions based on smell, sight, etc. It’s also kind of scarey. I imagine tho, the dogs who live with us probably know we are crazy anyway, which is why they take such good care of us.
Hallowe’en is an ancient feast of remembering those who have died and live on in our genes, and our hearts. I remember the dogs who I’ve been privileged to live with: Charlie, Big Daisy, Jessie, and Little Daisy who died about ten days ago.
Danielle Johnson says
So funny! Thank you!
Sue W. says
I’m going as Dr. Finkelstein from “A Nightmare Before Christmas” because he is in a wheelchair and so am I. It’s been a nightmare to make. No pun intended. P’raps there are so many sexy costumes because they are so expensive and sexy needs less material? I’m so close to having this done, but I could have had a month of lattes for this price.
Dunno, but I’m with ya. Halloween used to be so *fun*!!
Dr. V says
That sounds amazing. How are you managing that huge cranium??
Pamela | Something Wagging says
Glad I’m not the only person feeling overwhelmed by how big Halloween has gotten.
We usually have 600+ trick-or-treaters come to our house. Parents drive their kids from all the rural neighborhoods in the area to come to our block.
I feel like a curmudgeon. But when I was a kid I also lived in the country and we visited the 5 or 6 houses in our neighborhood in walking distance. It would never have occurred to me to ask my parents to drive me to another neighborhood so I could come home with a pillowcase full of candy.
I wonder if kids today find the huge event as special as I did visiting those 5 or 6 houses?
Dr. V says
I think it’s just one more to-do in their busy schedules. There’s no sense of mystery and spookiness when you’re moving in a herd of 500. 🙁
You are hilarious! I am a child of the 80’s as well and remember those masks with a love/hate! You will be pleased to know that we carved pumpkins on Monday and you can tell which one my 7 year old did cuz she did mostly on own. I did supervise a little b/c she is 7 and who has time for the ER! We then watched Charlie Brown. I still have had good luck on Amazon. Princess Leia (from episode IV not VI).
I thought maybe you would make some cute matchbox party favor… Aren’t you at a different school? Maybe they would be more accepting 🙂 our school doesn’t have Halloween parties b/c of the whole sweets stuff. I initiated a food drive instead. I think we have about 10 classes participating.
And as far as the dog costumes? Funny and sad all in one. The sexualizing of our society continues to expand.
I agree… Halloween, you’re drunk, go home!
Dr. V says
I’m slowly working my way back into the classroom. Old traumas die hard. I love that you let the 7 year old carve. Was a knife involved or did you stick with that Pumpkin masters flimsy saw thing?
we used that Pumpkin masters flimsy saw thing 🙂 I had her punch holes with the poker one and then use the saw because just using the saw would have broken it first go round. And I did cut the top off for her. I was tempted to help her with the design but I bit my tongue b/c that is 1/2 the fun! Happy Halloween!
That’s really funny! I hope you found something satisfactory!
Halloween is one day a year where you get to be any ridiculous thing you want to be. Why don’t people choose fun things?
In our society, one can be slutty any day. Why be so lame for Halloween? To me, “Sexy [fill in the blank]” just denotes a severe lack of imagination.
This year my costume is Lucy Ricardo from the “I Love Lucy” Chocolate Factory episode. I even made a table with a working conveyor belt so the chocolates move down the belt. I’ve spent months working on this. (According to family and friends, I may have *too much* imagination for Halloween. oh, well.)
Dr. V says
That sounds amazing. Seriously. Take tons of pictures.
I don’t think I have seen anything sadder than those two dogs, who are probably perfectly nice fellows, sitting there wearing ridiculous wigs and fake boobs. That is disturbing.
Too funny and so true!
Joseph Braha says
Halloween has gone now and Christmas is coming near so anyone can suggest me best fitted costumes for my pet…..