Several years ago, while I was wistfully speaking about all the places in the world I’d like to someday see, my husband looked at me over the top of his computer and said these words:
“I’m not doing an overseas flight with you unless you get some Xanax.”
I was terribly offended, of course. I mean, come on. Sure, I get a little tense when I’m worried about making a flight on time- who isn’t? But given the state of TSA lines these days, I think I’m justified. Overall I’m a pretty good traveller. I go with the flow. I don’t panic about stuff.
OK, even I couldn’t get through that without a guffaw.
“Let me get this straight,” my sister said to me when I called her this afternoon to talk me off the ledge. “You’re worried about getting eaten while you’re in the Amazon? And you want to make sure that if you and your husband, who will be 6,000 miles away, somehow manage to simultaneously perish that someone knows where the wills are?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“And what are you doing right now?” she asked.
“Um, driving,” I said, while hurtling down the freeway at 75 mph. “But I’m using the Bluetooth.”
What she was implying, correctly of course, is that the chances of me perishing on the banks of the Amazon are infinitesimal compared to the risk of me tripping on an escalator at LAX and breaking my neck while struggling under the weight of all the bottles of DEET I stuffed into my bag.
Once I get to my final destination (ha), I will be great. It’s just the downtime beforehand that kills me. It’s the person who sent me a link to a thread on a messageboard called “Nature, you’re scary” that was started by a guy who just got back from- of course- the Peruvian Amazon and encountered a 13 inch centipede. In that thread, someone thoughtfully included a YouTube video of a carnivorous centipede who hangs upside down in caves and drops down, pincer-first, on unsuspecting bats. And, I would imagine, vets.
Then, an Australian came on to say that he, too, was scared of the Amazon. An Australian. His reasoning was, “but in the Amazon, death comes from above.” That’s right, scorpions on the ground in your shoes, snakes and centipedes hurtling at your face through the air. This is nature at its most raw here, people. The Amazon eats bobcats for breakfast. A wee wilty blossom like myself doesn’t stand a chance.
Then I figured it out.
Of all the things I had thought to include on my packing list, there was only one that I had missed when I compared my list to the official one: a good towel. Once I packed it, I felt instantly better. I couldn’t figure out why at first, and then I remembered the immortal words of Douglas Adams from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy:
“A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value – you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to- hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you – daft as a bush, but very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.”
If it’s good enough for Arthur Dent, it’s good enough for me. I don’t need Xanax. I have a towel, which can smother a scorpion, strangle a snake, and in the worst case scenario, work very well as a tourniquet. I am Dr. V, Pet Medicine Woman. I’m ready for anything.
Whoa, I don’t remember Tarzan being a part of the show. Who’s that guy? And where’s her towel?
A towel! Brilliant! Perhaps that’s what’s been missing in *my* life also. If it makes you happy…
Who knew it was as simple as a towel, right?
Maybe a towel and some Xanax?
That’s probably for the best.
Do you have a hat with a wide brim? If death is coming from above I would make sure there is something stopping them from getting to me. You could use the towel I guess, but a hat would keep your hands free to use the towel to fight off the pythons and cannibals.
It’s a medium brim but it’s floppy. I forgot about the cannibals. Shoot.
But no one ever tells you what to do if you towel is destroyed.. Make sure you have a back up.
Oh no! I have to pack 2 towels? What if the backup gets messed up too? augh!
That’s Sully. Yes, I used to watch Dr Quinn, lol. I caught it recently in reruns, and I’m not sure why I watched it. The acting wasn’t all that great. Anyways, Dr Quinn could just borrow some of Sully’s pelts to act as a towel in an emergency. 😉
Mmm, good point.
There are 42 reasons why Xanax might not be a bad idea.
Starting with the other 4 people on the trip who have to deal with me.
Dr. V, Pet Medicine Woman….hahaha!!! love it 😀
My website designer Joelle came up with that one and I said I MUST STEAL THAT.
Another important tip from Hitchiker…”Don’t Panic”
Oh, I already blew that one.
Is there a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Amazon?
I figure the Galaxy has most of the salient points covered. 😉
Absolutely the funniest thing I’ve read in quite some time. And I understand your fears; however, you are at least GOING! I am too chicken (read: lunch for SOMETHING!) to even go.
I can’t wait to hear all your tales and see all the pictures. It’s going to be GREAT! And not to worry, if you are eaten by a 13″ centipede, you WILL have your towel and your sister DOES know where the will is!! Truly, God Speed!
It’ll be a lot bigger than 13 inches once it’s done with me! lol
My prayers for you and the group are getting stranger and stranger, but, as always, end with “…and please let Dr. V pet a capybara!” 😀
Oh, that is like the best thing I’ve ever read. <3 <3 <3
OMG! Just watched the BBC miniseries on my Netflix streaming (of Hitchhiker’s Guide). Love it and love that you packed a towel 🙂 And since you are familiar with the Guide, then you have the answer that you need for anything: 42.
Good luck, good travels. Don’t envy the flying you will be doing. A bottle of Xanax is more of what I need….. but you’ll be fine 🙂
Now if I only knew the question. Maybe one of the river dolphins will know.
With that guy, who needs a towel, lol!
Genius!
Hi Y’all,
BOL…ROOOOO!!!!ROOOOO!!!!
Ask my Humans about uses for a towel. The workers remodeling the bathrooms found all kinds of uses for their big bath towels and tried them out without getting permission! Maybe you could consult with them?
I’d still pack the Xanax…if you don’t need it for yourself…’cause you have “the” towel, it might come in handy for that 13″ centipede, pythons and cannibals.
Enjoy the journey and the great new smells! I want to know all about how the Amazon SMELLS!
Hawk aka BrownDog