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Epic Bad

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We had a great New Year’s Eve. Well, some of us did, at least.

My parents offered to watch the kids so that my husband and I could go out for the first time in a decade. Being well past the expiration date for things like heading downtown with the hordes, we decided to check out a new restaurant in our area that was opening on New Year’s Eve instead.

So we got there, only to find that it was technically a private event for family and friends. No matter, said my husband, and somehow talked us in anyway. Which is how we found ourselves in the midst of a Hipster New Years Eve party, where a roomful of twenty-somethings in demure black sat quietly drinking some craft brew and staring over their black-rimmed glasses at my husband and I, resplendent in New Year’s hats from Party City, partying like it’s 1999, which they don’t remember since they were in junior high back then. We’re old enough now that we don’t care, though.

We came home shortly after midnight, me bracing myself for the now common refrain of “What did you destroy this time, Brody?” And I was so pleasantly surprised. Everything was intact. He had a bit of a bout of colitis over the last few days, no doubt in response to all the garbage he’s been chewing up, and there was nary a shredded paper bit or pile of excrement to be found. I was delighted.

My reverie was to be short-lived.

The next morning, I rolled out of bed- slowly and carefully, because I had just a wee bit of a hangover, and lurched downstairs to let the dogs out.

That’s funny, I thought, I don’t remember leaving my shoes in the middle of the carpet.

And then I saw it. I’ll warn you now: it’s gross.

Brody had had another episode of diarrhea overnight. That in and of itself is not considered a transgression, because what are you going to do, although I would have preferred he do this on any of the hundreds of square feet of hardwood or tile instead of the one tiny patch of carpet. I would have preferred even more if he had let me know he needed to go out, though for all I know he did and I was too solidly snoring to be awoken.

But then he apparently panicked and decided to try and cover up the evidence. WITH MY JIMMY CHOOS.

Normally I’m not one to photograph poop, but this was an exception. I was tipsy, but not THAT tipsy. I am quite sure I did not randomly happen to leave the shoes in a pile of dog poop and then head to bed.

I am mystified as to the inner workings of Brody’s hairy little head. Why did he think he needed to cover it up? Why didn’t he choose one of his own myriad toys instead? What could possibly have possessed him to think, hmmm, those are some nice beige stilettos over there, maybe I’ll just drag them over? And just kind of shove them into the pile? And then for good measure poop on top of them a little bit?

I don’t normally leave my nice shoes out, but it was late and I was giddy, so I just kicked them off when we got home and then went to bed. Of all the things I thought Brody might do to ruin my shoes, “stuff them into a pile of diarrhea” had never even crossed my mind.

And it’s dried and caked on now, pushed into the little creases of the braided leather and shoved between the sole and the heel. Ā I’ve spared you from the worst of it- the underside of the shoes is a real scene. To say I am verklempt is an understatement. I love these shoes. I adore these shoes. And now they are full of poop and quite possibly destroyed in the most vile of ways. That’s just mean, Brody.

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Comments

  1. There is absolutely nothing appropriate to say in this situation. Jimmy Choos! Anyone who has ever had a prized possession ruined by a loved pet understands why you are verklempt. Poor Brody has not had a good report card lately, I hope this was his ultimate lapse in manners!

    I was going to suggest a good scrub with a dry toothbrush then a thorough clean with saddle soap for your shoes, but your enjoyment of them may be ruined anyway because you would always remember, oh, never mind.

      • Remember, leather is skin, wash it accordingly. I have run into the same problem, simply by wearing treasured leather sandals to the barn (yes, I know how stupid that was) I took a soft brush and buffed all the dry stuff off, then took my Dove for sensitive skin liquid soap and washed them in warm water, gently scrubbing with a cloth. a soft toothbrush for stitching and creases. Don’t be afraid to pile on the soap and water. once you have them fully clean (it may take a couple of sessions) then use leather conditioner while they are still wet, then again once they dry.
        Good luck! (I still wear my sandals)

  2. Oh my! There just are no words – even verklempt is truly short of the mark, but it will have to do! I’m thinking it’s past time for the Christmas vacation to be over – doesn’t Brody have school to go back to, or something??

  6. I like Vonny’s cleaning idea, but if you are truly desperate ebcause you think they are ruined, try Margaret’s Cleaners. They are super famous for restoring and repairing ruined fancy items like Louis Vuitton purses and such… just good to know in case you need a backup plan.

  8. Jimmy Choos…. *swoon* even a poo-soaked pair of Jimmy Choos are worth saving. No matter what the memories are when you wear them again. go for the toothbrush then saddle soap method, smooch poor upset-tummy Brody, and gotta love him for even considering a poo-cover-up to help Mama’s post NYE headache.

  9. UGH! Leo does this ALL the time! He tries to “hide” it and in the process smooshes it into whatever happens to be lying around. Dachshunds… UGH, never 100% housebroken

  10. Brody was framed… where was Koa hhmmm, and where is the evidence to PROVE beyond a reasonable doubt it was in fact Brody?
    Just maybe you flung your shoes off and they landed in the pile of poo… or even more plausible Koa was trying to protect Brody and she covered it up.. just saying Brody may be innocent..

  11. Oh no, bad dog! El perro es loco.

    Don’t feel bad about trying to get poo covered shoes cleaned. I took a pee soaked leather jacket in to the cleaners and got the long speal of how bad and nasty it was and they would have to have another week with it. All with a packed store. You get over it once you remember your pet loves you more than anyone else šŸ™‚

    • Loco indeed. I will get over it if and when they are salvageable, otherwise he better be SUPER CUTE for the next year.

  12. This makes perfect sense to me. You hide the scent of an indescretion with the smell of someone you love most -you. Or, more accurately, your feet after a night of partying hardy. I’m beginning to love this dog’s world view.

  13. There are no words. Just no words Brody. Even KOLCHAK isn’t that bad. Jimmy Choos are…sacred. I’m pretty sure I would be scary mad if Kolchak even **considered** this. Good luck with the shoes. I say suck up the embarrassment, maybe take them to a spot other than your usual cleaner and take them to the professionals. I am certain they can be saved.

  14. My guess is the shoes made him think of you, and since he had a tummy ache, he needed some comfort. So, he brought them over to keep him company while he had his…bout. Feel better sweet Brody and RIP Jimmy Choo’s.

  15. he just wanted to be sure you didn’t step in it! if it was one of his toys, you may not of thought anything of it … this got your attention and made you stop. smart dog! šŸ™‚