Alexis Bellino, no, no

I don’t watch any of the Real Housewives shows. I’ve seen bits and pieces here and there, but my vapid-limit seems pretty easily reached these days so I don’t make it a regular occurrence.

I try not to be too snarky. I give them credit for having nice hair, for one. I wouldn’t want to do what they do, because if I’m being totally honest I like what I get to do about a bajillion times better than sitting around throwing evil side-eyes on camera for a living, so it’s good. So when I look at the bevy of blondes running around on Real Housewives of Orange County, I don’t feel envy as much as I do relief that I’m not married to the jerks most of them seem to be stuck with.

It takes a lot for me to get riled up enough about any of the ridiculous manufactured drama that goes on on those shows to actually be moved to make a post, but sure enough, one of them managed it. Alexis, she of dubious intellectual capacity, threw her daughters a fourth birthday party with a princesses and puppies theme.

And I won’t judge for having an over the top party. It’s her money.

And I won’t judge for giving a speech about her post-natal pulmonary embolism at said party. It’s her kids who will have to remember that.

But I WILL judge for bringing puppies as a party favor to the party. I mean REALLY. On what planet did anyone think this was OK?

She didn’t go out and pick up a dozen maltipoos from the pet store on her way to get her nails done, I’ll say that. What she did was bring in a bunch of puppies from a rescue and tell the kids they should adopt them and take them home from the party. Which is marginally better, but not by much. Because now you’ve put the parents in a terrible position with these wide-eyed kids wanting a dog, THAT DOG, RIGHT NOW, IT’S A PARTY FAVOR, MOM and then despite their better judgment five people took one home on a whim.

I know the satire may have eluded you here Alexis, but when they gave out puppies as favors in Bridesmaids, it was funny because you were supposed to know no one would actually do something that ridiculous.

Alexis, you had enough money to buy one of those walking computerized dog things for everyone. Party favors are supposed to be just that, a small disposable token of appreciation. A dog is none of those things.

I’m sure Bravo thought that by having a rescue be involved they would immunize themselves from complaint. And now I’m worried that people will watch the show and think this is somehow a brilliant idea, bringing rescues to kids’ parties. It’s not a great idea. It’s exactly what is wrong with people today.

A new pet should never be something you get on a whim, especially not under duress at a party while cameras are rolling and kids are looking at you with big eyes saying “BUT HE HAS NO HOME, MOMMY.” Talk about manipulation. This wasn’t about promoting rescue, this was about ratings, and it was a horrible idea to throw out there to the aspirational types who are adding “Rescue Puppy Party- kids love it” to their rolodex of ideas.

So let’s all keep our fingers crossed that this horrific idea dies a quick death and people don’t decide puppy themed parties should have actual puppies to take home. Because that makes me shudder more than Alexis’ diatribe about Demerol to the kids at the party.