As you probably know, I have a bit of a complicated relationship with the PTA moms. Not moms in general, mind you, just the small subset of Pinterest loving, glue-gun wielding domestic lifestyle experts whose expectations I can never, despite my best efforts, seem to live up to. It doesn’t matter what school we’re at, it happens every time. First it was the art project/pooper scooper incident in kindergarten. Then it was the Have a Very Agro Valentine’s Day episode. And now it’s crudite, crudite that torments the soul.
It started simply enough: an email asking for volunteers to bring in food items for the teachers this conference week. I looked on the sign up sheet and put my name next to crudite: veggies and dip. Easy, I thought, a quick run to the grocery store for some carrot sticks and dip and done.
I forgot where I was.
(Not two weeks ago, I found myself in the midst of a malestrom for the fifth grade Halloween party when all the room moms got together and asked the parents to bring in food. I asked my class parents to bring in pretzels and fruit. The other moms showed up with cookies shaped like rotting fingers with almond nails and jelly blood, and eyeball eggs with veins hand-painted on with food dye. My pretzels were shoved under the table.)
So now, a few minutes after signing up for the veggie tray, I received an email instructing me to be creative! which is always concerning. To illustrate her point, the organizer included this helpful photo:
As to what our vegetables should aspire to be.
Now at this point a normal person would laugh and say, “OK, lady,” and bring in a tray from Costco, but unfortunately I still have the sin of pride to contend with on a regular basis, so I instead spent the afternoon standing in line at the grocery store watching YouTube videos of Martha Stewart blanching asparagus. Three hours of cursing later, with piles of peeled burnt chestnuts and carrot shavings dripping out of my hair like Jackson Pollock on a bender, I came up with this:
This is the dogged tenacity that makes people like me get through vet school even when all indicators point to the “why?” factor. We can’t explain it. We just have to.
I shared this with my friends, and they all got a good laugh out of how silly it was, and then later in the day my friend in Ohio sent me a link and said, “See? You’re not alone.” It was a photo of some artfully arranged food items a group of mothers had arranged for their teachers.
It was, upon further inspection, a photo from my very school from earlier in the day. It had already made the Pinterest rounds and ended up in Ohio, where my friend saw it and sent it to me as an example of Moms Gone Styled. I scrolled through it, looking for my contribution.
Notably lacking? The crudite. They were apparently so lackluster as to have not even rated a Facebook photo, and when I returned to pick up the dish I found they had been shoved in the corner in order to make way for some gluten free turkey wraps with hand-whisked dressings in, of course, Mason jars.
At this point, even a not quite normal person would just give up, which is theoretically what I should do, but it’s become clear to me I live in a parallel universe where I am destined to almost-quite get it, over and over and over, but not get it entirely. This is why I am a veterinarian, the almost-quites of the medical field.
So you know what? I’m embracing it. This afternoon I decided to go on a Pinterest binge and make a little Pinterest and dog-friendly crudite platter my way. Hope you enjoy it.
A bright autumn day, full of promise and gently whispered secrets amongst best of friends, calls for sustenance.
Lovingly hand-extruded kibble, with ingredients sourced from local artisans in an organic human-grade facility in Portland by men with bushy beards. In a Mason jar.
We end our afternoon in the garden of delights (it’s water friendly succulents! We’re eco friendly here in drought-parched SoCal) with hand-cut carrot bones from the local CSA, mint from the garden, words of wisdom from the dog sketched in canine-friendly peanut butter hand ground at Whole Foods. And of course, no pet garden of delights would be complete without the coup de grace:
nitrate free ham roses.
You saw it first here, folks. I’m waiting on sponsors for a YouTube tutorial but I think a ham bouquet is a lovely thing.
Hilarious! I would have gone to Costco for the veggie tray b/c, after all, that is why I would sign up for a veggie tray… no need for creativity!! Watch “I don’t know how she does it” with Sarah Jessica Parker. Not a great movie but her friend is awesome and keeps me inspired. There is one scene where she brings unset jello for the bake sale and doesn’t give a sh#t. But I admire your perseverance 🙂 rock on, Dr. V!
Adding to my Netflix cue! I love SJP.
Hand-extruded kibble wins the internet today. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. I think your crudite tray is very pretty and appealing. You even bought heirloom carrots for it *snort*.
I know right? What’s wrong with me.
This is SO funny (though, I do feel your pain, Jessica). You live amongst a gaggle of Mean Mommies; you poor gal. (And for what it is worth, as a seriously creativity-impaired person, I thought your creation was beautiful). My very favorite part of this blog though, were the ending photos and signage…..brilliant! (And, maybe the mean mommies can put together nice looking food plates, but that does not make up for their lack of manners and kindness towards others – traits that you excel in, dear girl).
I shall overcome their veggie wars and emerge victorious.
I never even heard of a “Crudite Tray” – looks like a collection of yummy veggies to me. I wouldn’t try to please these “mean mommies” either, but that’s just me. I was a cat in another life probably.
Me too! 😀
I live in Ohio and, if they are lucky, I bring a bag of Tostitos to our (adult) painting class. Seriously, who does this stuff? A trip to the grocery store deli is splurging. I love CA (I used to live there) but I don’t miss this. However, I do miss walking into Whole Foods and being amazed by their produce. In other matters, you rock on the dog delights. Ah, face it, you just rock.
I’ve moved to purgatory. LOL
You crack me up! And I love how accommodating your kids/pets are to help you promote your ham bouquets. 😀 Any respectable teacher will appreciate any and all efforts made to support them in educating your child(ren). Those “mean mommies” need to chill out. Most moms I know don’t have time to arrange vegetables in multiple vases by color. At least your tray has things easily accessible. Just looking at the “example” they sent…By the time people start digging through the upper vegetables to get to their favorites at the bottom, the whole display will be a mess in no time.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought that, like who has time to try and spear a piece of cauliflower out of a bucket? LOL. The teachers were so sweet, I think they tolerate us type As with very good humor.
I guess I’m lucky the only places I’m bringing snacks are mostly to other veterinarians and our awesome staff. They all pretty much ascribe to the “Cool, free food!” concept, no fancy styling needed. Don’t let the turkeys get you down.
The teachers were so appreciative, they really were. And I think they would have been no matter what we brought. Which is all I really cared about anyway, they deserve everything we can give!
Those are the same moms who do the Elf on the Shelf and go all crazy nuts with it making those of us who stick him behind a book wonder if we’re doing it wrong. Honestly, teachers are like every office worker I’ve ever known, “Free food! That I don’t have to clean up! Awesome!” If they notice the creativity of it it is brief at best. What they appreciate is the actual effort of bringing something in. Some of those moms need therapy.
I think you are awesome. I honestly gave up trying to do anything regarding school years ago. I have neither the patience or desire to even attempt to care anymore.