Pawcurious: With Veterinarian and Author Dr. V

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Did You Know?

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Did you know when we woke up this morning how things would end? I doubt it. I went to the gym and you hung out with the kids, because it was a Saturday and they were home. We vacuumed, because as usual pieces of you were starting to accumulate on the ground where you lay. Did you know how hairy you were?

Did you know that yesterday, I was supposed to go to spin class but when you saw my shoes you got so excited I stayed home with you instead and we took a walk? It was the longest walk we took since you got sick last month. You smelled everything. I’m glad I skipped class. It was a beautiful day.

Did you know when you first came home to us in 2009, the kids wanted to name you Cutie? They were 5 and 3 so I will forgive them that awful suggestion, but you were and would always be Brody. A lovable goof without a mean bone in his body. Did you know how cute you were? Of course you did.

Did you know my plan was to have you get a splenectomy? You had been doing so, so well, and despite the odds I had allowed myself to think that maybe we could do this and get rid of the main source of your problems. After all, we tested everything last month, and found nothing. Maybe, just maybe, this reprieve could be something more. You had been perfect, like nothing ever happened.

Did you know that you were a good boy? The best. My heart skipped a beat when I saw your muzzle getting gray, a reminder that you are a finite creature. You should live forever.

Did you know that today was Grandpa’s birthday? I asked Brian if we should bring you to his house and he said, “probably.” You were so excited you jumped in the air and spun around and danced a little, and we were all so happy because you were so happy. Right as rain.

Did you know Grandma wasn’t feeling well? You seem to know these things. You clung to her and made her pet you for two hours straight. I told you to leave her alone and stop pestering but she said she didn’t mind.

Did you know what was happening when you went outside and felt the sudden need to lie down? Did you decide, there with all your favorite people in the world together in one room, that this was as good as it gets and maybe this was a good way to wrap things up?

Did you know why I was on the ground with you, pressing on you, poking at your gums, grimacing because all my medical equipment was back at home and not here at Grandma’s? You still wagged your tail. You were at Grandma’s, where life is always good.

Did you know when they gave you those fluids at the hospital that they weren’t helping? That something bigger was going on? Did you know when the doctor put a probe on you and said, “Oh buddy,” that our bonus month was winding to an end? Was this your way of avoiding a splenectomy?

Did you know while you were in the back treatment area at VSH I was on the phone with all my smart friends, desperately trying to figure out if I could get one more day out of you? I couldn’t let you go without talking to the experts at palliation to figure out if I could wrangle out a little more time. I wanted nothing more than to have you at home, surrounded by family, but at that point it meant moving you when you were already unstable, and moving unstable dogs around to make the owners happy goes against everything I’ve ever worked for. So we didn’t.

Did you know how great techs are? I stopped one in the hallway to let him know I wanted to see you, and bless his heart even though he had just clocked out he went and put me in “the room,” you know, the one with the couch and the boxes of tissues. I wish those rooms had dimmers. I played Through a Dog’s Ear from the playlist I always used with clients and told you so many things while you rested your head in my lap and listened patiently.

Did you know why I spoke to you for half an hour? We were waiting for the family to come and I still had so much to tell you. I needed to thank you for all you did for us, for how much you took care of us, of how even when I was home alone I was never actually alone because there you were with your huge brown eyes and your need for attention and you always reminded me that we were so happy as a family.

Did you know that I called you my boy? You belonged to the world. You thought you were a person. When we went to the dog park you’d always end up over with the people trying to insert yourself into the conversation like the person you were. Nonetheless, you were first and foremost my boy.

Did you know why I made a stupid joke? I said if you were a girl we should have named you Eileen, you know, because you were a leaner. You were leaning on Poppa at the time. It was the way mom leaned on you at the end. I had to say something and that’s all I could get out.

Did you know you had the best neck? You could bury yourself in it, and I did, all the time. Coming in second was your ear crimps, and third, your Muppet feet. I will miss all of those things, desperately.

Did you know that I am going to miss your little face resting on the side of the bed on the morning most of all? Did you know that I spent the last twelve hours peering through swollen eyes waiting for you to come up on the couch, to ask for food, to come into the bedroom? Did you know what I would have given to make you whole again? I know that I can’t. Those moments when I forget and wait expectantly for you to come bounding out the front door are the cruel ones. They last a while.

The grief is all consuming, a rusty saw rubbing my throat raw, pushing my teeth out of my gums with a metallic, iron-like aftertaste. It sits on my chest, a cement block pushing out tears, keeping me from breathing in. Did you know that’s what people do when they lose a part of their heart? The pain is actually physical.

Did you know why you were in that room with me and Dad and Poppa and the kids? What a crowd. You found them all with your eyes, and had your first 10 hand massage, which also became your last but that was ok because it was a ten hand massage and each hand belonged to one of your favorite people.

Did you know we’ve all agreed my mother was the one to meet you? Can you please confirm when you get a chance?

Brody, Muppet-feet, the Brodemeister, Brody Boo, you were many things but ‘a dog who wore out his welcome’ was not one of them. Did you know why your neck was so wet? Sorry about that. It always was the place I went to when I needed to cry.

I’m really gonna miss you.

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Comments

  2. Oh no! Oh no! Not Brody! Not so soon! I’m so sorry! My heart is breaking for you. Brody was an amazing dog and even though I never met him, I couldn’t help but love him. From my heart to yours, you and your family are in my thoughts.

  3. Dr. Vogelsang,

    I am so sorry about Brody. You know how much it meant to him to have everyone there. Did he know? I think he may have had a clue. I think dogs know more about life and the mysteries of the universe than we can ever begin to grasp. A dog happily wags through life appreciating the simple things and gestures. They live in the moment and never pass judgment – thank goodness for that.

    To have all of his loved ones there at the end* meant a lot to him…but for him it’s not the end. Somewhere far away he’s basking in the glory of endless fields of green grass and infinite supplies of fresh tennis balls. That’s what I believed when you sent Cara off. And I still do. There was something surreal about that whole experience beyond a sick dog who couldn’t move anymore. It’s like she knew something else was out there and that gave me something I still hold onto today: hope.

    Again, I’m so sorry for your loss, but Brody’s soul will always be there with you.

    Greg Baldwin

    • Thank you Greg. I still hold your lovely family and Cara dear to my heart as one of the most profound experiences of my career. <3 I truly appreciate your kind words to me as I know you know what this feels like.

  7. I went through this same situation with own pup 3 months ago. Even as a veterinarian, it is so incredibly difficult. Hoping that in time, you find peace and comfort. I am so sorry for your loss.

  9. I am in tears myself not only for your terrible loss & pain, but for the amazing goodbye letter that you were able to write. You amaze me with your compassion, your huge heart, your capacity to love over & over again, and your ability to reach all your readers in the deepest way. I have been where you are now, as have most of your readers I would assume. Its an emotional pain, its a physical pain & it is so so terrible each & every time. I do not believe it is possible to ‘be prepared” I have lost a pet suddenly, I have made a decision that it was now the time to let go, the pain is the same, the grief overwhelming. “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” – Washington Irving

  10. I am so sorry for your loss. I went through the hemangio merry-go-round with our Desi. She got the emergency splenectomy because I was desperately hoping for a benign tumor. Instead we got 7 more weeks. Sending big hugs through my tears.

  12. Jessica – what a beautiful tribute. No matter how “prepared” you think you are, you’re never ready. Brodie was a very lucky and loved dog.

  13. This is such a beautiful tribute. I know you would have rather been at home – sometimes life gets in the way of our most carefully laid plans. I’m glad Brody was able to pass with so many of his loved ones surrounding him.

    I have (like you) borne witness to this scenario in hundreds of iterations…and you still made me cry. My heart goes out to you and the family.

  14. With every word you wrote, the love and compassion shines through my tears. This may be the most poignant and loving tribute to a beloved pets passing that I have ever read. Maybe it is because I am in the veterinary healthcare field too and know of that room and the box of tissues and the calling on everyone you know to give you another day with your friend. But in the end, it is a gift you gave Brody and to have a 10 hand massage and to see all of you with him…that is the gift he gave you, on his last day…May the love you shared help soften the sadness in your heart…

  16. Thank you for so eloquently articulating what all pet parents feel when they have to say that final goodbye. You speak for all of us, and we all share in your grief.

  17. I am so very sorry for your loss of Brody! I have been there many times myself. I still miss my dogs after many years. I hold tighter everyday to the ones I have. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this sad time.

  18. So sorry to hear about your handsome & special family member, Brody!! Your words of love & remembrance have made me cry as I, too, remember my fur babies who brought so much joy!! May he rest in peace!! My deepest condolences to you & your family!! Sincerely, Cornelia Philipson, Miami, FL

  19. I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Brody. Although I did not know either of you, the love you had for him was so clear in your letter. Know he is now in Heaven where no pain expiate. May God’s peace and love comfort you during this most difficult time.

  20. This is so beautiful. I’m sorry your time with Brody has come to goodbyes. The story touched me deeply as it reminded me of my own Muppet footed boy. My thoughts are with your whole family as you go through this loss

  21. Jess,
    I am crying along side of you. Just a few days ago, I euthanized my son’s dog Izzy. She was a West Philly special, had been a bait dog, and was my spay dog in vet school. Tim adopted her and she traveled all over the US with him. I diagnosed her with osteosarcoma two years ago. It finally took its toll. She loved life to the fullest, just like your Brody. Hugs.

  22. So sorry for your loss. Having been through this same situation with my own golden retriever and as a veterinary nurse I can understand how hard it must have been for you and your family. They are such a huge part of our family and leave an immense hole behind. Thinking of you all. Xx

  23. Oh Jessica, I am so, so sorry. I too loved sweet Brody, and I’m so glad I got a chance to meet him. I can only imagine how hard this has been on the kids, too. All of the tears and emotion came flooding back as I read your beautiful writing, re-living my experience of saying good-bye to my sweet Tango. I felt everything with you as you wrote. It’s not fair that they ever have to leave us, but like you, I am so grateful that they blessed our lives as long as they did. When I die, I want to go to where they are! xoxo

  25. This just helped me decide my Veterinary Technician fate. I’ve seen this type of thing for 26 years now. I wanted to quit the field. So sorry for your loss. It’s made me realize I’m not done.

  29. OMG..I am so very sorry for your loss, Your words are so Beautiful..my tears won’t stop, as I know your pain and Heatbreak.. But, I’m glad you were with Brody to say goodbye..it helps… I lost my Lucy 4 months ago, but I never got to say those words..they are important… Brody, may the next leg of your Journey be filled with the same Peace and Love you experienced with your Loving Family…♡♡♡♡♡

  30. Condolences on your loss. I know how painful it is to lose a fur baby. My favorite Saint had bone cancer and though it has been many years ago I miss her still. It was wonderful you could give Brody such a special last day with his family.

  31. Dr. V., I am so very sorry – my heart aches for you and your family. Big hugs from me and my poodle boys. <3

  32. I’m so sorry. I’m crying my eyes out not only for your loss, but mine. Today makes 2 years that we lost our golden, Brady, to hemangiosarcona. Reading your poignant post touched on all of the things I’ve been feeling. My heart and thoughts are with you and your boy.
    Btw, I love your book ‘All dogs go to heaven” My daughter Danielle gave it to me. So, this is not the first tine I’ve bawled my eyes out for you. ♡

  33. I am so sorry for the loss of your Brody. Thoughts, prayers and healing energy to you and your family. He was a handsome boy

  34. My heart breaks for you 😢 cancer sucks…the pain is unreal. My boy passed of a splenic tumor that metastasized to his heart. Being in the vet field for over 10 years, absolutely nothing prepared me for the moment of having to say goodbye to my boy. Time helps, but there’s always a space that can never be filled that only our beloved pets can fill. Diesel was simply the best… you’re in my thoughts during this time. I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss.

  36. My son is also a vet. We lost our beloved Sadie to a hemangioma just last month. I sense that it is harder for you because of that what ifs. What if I had seen the signs sooner? Sometimes things are just out of our hands. We do the best we can. Much love.

  38. We lost our beautiful girl Abby last week. She too was a Golden Retriever. Her illness was sudden and unexpected. So many things you said in your story are true of me and Abby too. Thank you for posting. We lost a wonderful girl and I will always miss the perfect crown of her head, her soft ears and adorable feet.

  40. Dr. Vogelsang,
    I am so very very sorry for your loss of Brody. Your tribute is so eloquent and so understood. May you find comfort in knowing that Brody was surrounded by all of his favorites when he went home.

    Godspeed Brody

  42. This story, so heartfelt, has always comforted me. Even though it makes me cry and look at the cats I live with now and know their lives will be too short but the love will last forever…

    Thinking of you on this sad day.

    KelyLIVING LOVE

    If you ever love an animal, there are three days in your life you will always remember…

    The first is a day, blessed with happiness, when you bring home your young new friend. You may have spent weeks deciding on a breed. You may have asked numerous opinions of many vets, or done long research in finding a breeder.

    Or, perhaps in a fleeting moment, you may have just chosen that silly looking animal in a shelter – simply because something in its eyes reached your heart. But when you bring that chosen pet home, and watch it explore, and claim its special place in your hall or front room – and when you feel it brush against you for the first time – it instills a feeling of pure love you will carry with you through the many years to come.

    The second day will occur eight or nine or ten years later. It will be a day like any other. Routine and unexceptional. But, for a surprising instant, you will look at your longtime friend and see age where you once saw youth. You will see slow deliberate steps where you once saw energy. And you will see sleep where you once saw activity. So you will begin to adjust your friend’s diet – and you may add a pill or two to her food. And you may feel a growing fear deep within yourself, which bodes of a coming emptiness. And you will feel this uneasy feeling, on and off, until the third day finally arrives.

    And on this day, if your friend and God have not decided for you, you will be faced with making a decision of your own – on behalf of your lifelong friend, and with the guidance of your own deepest Spirit. But whichever way your friend eventually leaves you, you will feel as alone as a single star in the dark night.

    If you are wise, you will let the tears flow as freely and as often as they must. And if you are typical, you will find that not many in your circle of family or friends will be able to understand your grief, or comfort you.

    But if you are true to the love of the pet you cherished through the many joy-filled years, you may find that a soul – a bit smaller in size than your own – seems to walk with you, at times, during the lonely days to come. And at moments when you least expect anything out of the ordinary to happen, you may feel something brush against your leg – very very lightly. And looking down at the place where your dear, perhaps dearest, friend used to lay – you will remember those three significant days.

    The memory will most likely be painful, and leave an ache in your heart. As time passes the ache will come and go as it has a life of its own. You will both reject it and embrace it, and it may confuse you. If you reject it, it will depress you. If you embrace it, it will deepen you. Either way, it will still be an ache.

    But there will be, I assure you, a fourth day when – along with the memory of your pet, and piercing through the heaviness in your heart – there will come a realization that belongs only to you. It will be as unique and strong as our relationship with each animal we have loved, and lost. This realization takes the form of a Living Love – like the heavenly scent of a rose that remains after the petals have wilted, this Love will remain and grow – and be there for us to remember.

    It is a love we have earned. It is the legacy our pets leave us when they go. And it is a gift we may keep with us as long as we live. It is a Love which is ours alone. And until we ourselves leave, perhaps to join our Beloved Pets – it is a Love that we will always possess.

    By Martin Scot Kosins, author of “Maya’s First Rose”

  43. so sorry for your loss. I know the physical pain as well.That is how I met Roxanne Hawn. The love you describe transcends death. May God Bless You and keep you in His care as you travel the lonely path grief provides.. Here is hoping that collective concern from all who you know makes it just a little easier.

  44. I’m so sorry. It hurts. So much. You’re in my thought and prayers. Goldens have only one fault–they never stay with you long enough. We’ve been through that horrible diagnosis too often–Brooks to lung cancer, Ike to hemangiosarcoma, and now Ernest has skin cancer. Run Free, Brody. You were so loved.

  45. On this is such a beautiful tribute to your special Brody. It’s so very hard to say good bye. His story has touched so. many who read this. All of us will look at our pups a little different today. They’ll get more hugs, more treats, a longer walk,, a massage, a free pass to climb up on the bed they are usually not allowed on all because of Brody’s story. Thank you for sharing what must have taken hours to write through tears. I will keep you all in my prayers for healing lf your broken hearts.

  46. My heart hurts with you. It’s so hard to let them go. I just lost a precious cat friend. Hurts, it must. Blessings to you and your family as you grieve.

  47. I have another heart break breed, Irish Wolfhounds. It is never long enough, we are never ready. They always take a piece of our heart. :'(

  50. I am deeply sorry. What a wonderful goodbye you have written to dear Brody. You have touched us all.

  51. Oh Jess! You gave Brody such a poignant send off. I know he will know everything you shared. He has to because I believe Sable, Xena, Tanner and Oliver will/did know. I believe it. Hold fast to your memories.

  52. My heart is beyond broken for you.

    I still think Bailey chose to die at my parents’ house because all the people who loved her were there with her. So I think Brody did know. And I’m positive he knew, and knows, how much he is loved.

    I was hoping you would have so much more time with him. Through my tears, I thank you for your eloquence and for allowing us to love Brody right along with you.

    I hope he’s there with Bailey and my mom’s beloved Cody to welcome my mom when Kevin comes for her soon. She would love nothing better.

  53. Oh my. There is *so* much power in this piece, my heart aches for your loss. Please know we in the veterinary community are with you and your grief in spirit and heart. ❤️

    I believe you will see your sweet boy again and again in the eyes of future animals you help through their journey. And when you see him in their eyes, you will know in an instant he is there with you in spirit. 🌈

  56. Our deep and heart-felt condolences, you see we went through this last Monday ourselves. We hold you and your family in our prayers.

  58. Thousands upon thousands of people know and love Brody <3 He deserved every last bit of love he ever got. He taught me so many things. He was special because even though he didn't speak any words, his eyes and actions endlessly commented on how much he loved everyone. That's one of many special things about Brody.

  59. Damn it. Damn it! That just sucks. I started crying as soon as I saw that picture at the top of the page. And continued doing that while reading your heartfelt (and heartbreaking) post.

    I’m so glad that you and Brody had that bonus month. I’m so sorry that it was only a month. But, even a bonus ten years wouldn’t have been long enough, would it?

    What a beautiful, good, strong boy he was; look how well he did after his ear surgery. He was your boy, Jessica, who also had a little place in the hearts of many people.

    So long, Brody, you good, good dog.

  60. Dr. Vogelsang,
    I saw the picture of your Brody on Facebook attached to your article and my heart just sank. I knew what it was going to say even before I opened it.
    I am so saddened to hear of your loss. I have been following your stories of him for awhile. What a beautiful dog … and what a beautiful life he had with you and your family.
    Your book was one of the first ones I was able to read after losing my soul dog, Potter, 2.5 years ago. I still cry every day for him. I am a vet, too, and there is something so humbling and cruel when you can’t help your own dog. I am sure you feel that way also. Potter had a heart based tumor and I was told his heart could literally burst. Your All Dogs Go to Kevin book helped me to get back into reading and enjoying something little, thank you for that. Brody was such an amazing dog … he always will be. I hope your beautiful memories help you to smile again. And that you find comfort knowing your mom was there to greet him. ♡
    Kyle Ann Stevenson

  61. Jessica, man that was so hard to read. I think everyone who has loved and lost a pet knows how hard this is! It really is a visceral pain and you are so right, you expect and want to see me all the time – it is so curel.

    I am so sorry that you lost your boy, Brody. A million hugs all the way from Sri Lanka xxx

  63. As I read this beautiful tribute, I sat here ugly-face crying. My senior Great Dane came over to check on me, offering her big head to be scratched and fully understanding that I was upset. I have lost many too soon and, while she is completely healthy right now, I know I won’t be ready when it’s her time. I am so glad you had that last day with him.

  64. So so sorry. My sweet boy passed on Sunday too. You put into words exactly how it feels. Sending hugs.

  67. I’m so sorry Jess. I just sent my 13 & 3/4 yr old beagle in for removal of an anal sac adencarcinoma which this girl is a spunky spitfire so fingers crossed…. but they found another tumor instead, non cancerous but large and involved.. in her throat and trachea. Nothing we can do but enjoy her now and send her off and a piece of my soul is gone with my broken heart. Much love to you.

  68. Jessica I am so truly sorry to hear of your heartbreaking loss….. I realize that no words can ease the pain you are feeling right now, but please know that both you and Brody are being sent love, prayers, and light.
    ps
    If you would feel open to a distance reiki session, with the intention of smooting the transition for each of you, I would be honored to do it for you (though no pressure whatsoever).

  70. Jessica and family, I am so very sorry for your loss…..words cannot express the sorrow of losing such a wonderful family member. I lost my little girl, my Sophie eight months ago and she was my everything, life just isn’t the same without her. She was my favorite hello and my hardest good-bye. Coincidentally I just finished reading your book All Dogs Go To Kevin which I absolutely enjoyed. Brody went off to find Taffy, Emmett, and Kekoa……All dogs do go to Kevin. You are in my thoughts.

  71. So sorry to hear of the passing of Brody. Your heartfelt writing was a beautiful tribute to a wonderful love. Thank you for letting us be part of that. In some way or form, we have all walked that path. Know that we all grieve for your loss. While we may not have personally know.n Brody, we know someone who held our heart just as gently and lovingly. Godspeed sweet Brody. Run free and play with all of our soulmates that wait for us at the bridge-

  72. This brought tears to my eyes, poor Brody 🙁 You and your family are in my thoughts. We all need to remember that dogs don’t live as long as we do so we need to cherish the moment that we have with them. I’m so sorry to hear about Brody.